Alien Vs Predator Vs TNP
And you thought they couldn't talk. With the release of Alien: Covenant, we went into our archives to 2004, when The New Paper supposedly interviewed the eponymous stars of Alien Vs Predator — and lived to tell the tale*...
TNP: Hi guys. How did the film come about?
ALIEN: Well, we've been looking for a project to do together for a long time .
PREDATOR: ... and both our schedules were free ...
ALIEN: Some more free than others (sniggers).
PREDATOR: What's that supposed to mean?
ALIEN: Well, how long has it been since your last film? And what have you been doing since? Dinner Theatre and geek conventions.
PREDATOR: I was not! Well, it's better than hanging around the bushes at night
ALIEN: That was Shakespeare In The Park. Not that you would understand culture.
PREDATOR: Ha! The closest you'll get to culture is a yoghurt.
ALIEN: Says you! Look at my roster of co-stars.
AC-TORS. Ian Holm, John Hurt, Charles Dance, Sigourney Weaver, Winona Ryder. And who have you been with? 'Arnult' Schwarzenegger, Jesse 'The Body' Ventura and Danny Glover.
PREDATOR: Hello ... Schwarzy? Jesse? Both have become US state governors. In fact, I'm thinking of going into politics myself ...
ALIEN: What as? Mayor of Loserville?
TNP: Er, calm down guys. So what was your first reaction to the script?
ALIEN: Well, the finished movie is a lot different from the original script. It was originally a remake of the Meryl Streep divorce drama Kramer Vs Kramer.
PREDATOR: I had been perfecting my Dustin Hoffman impression but the studios wanted more action.
ALIEN: Actually when we were first approached, we had the choice of two scripts. One was this, but the other fell through at the last minute.
TNP: And what was that film?
PREDATOR: Schindler's List.
TNP: I think I know why it fell through... So how was it working together after all these years?
ALIEN: I think I can speak for both of us when I say it was terrible. The tension on set was unbearable, and he had too many demands.
PREDATOR: All I asked was that you eat in a more civilised manner.
ALIEN: I have two mouths! It's hard to fill both at once.
PREDATOR: And do you brush the teeth of either?
ALIEN: Oooh. It wasn't me who demanded a musical interlude.
PREDATOR: Helloooo! It's fiction. It was to lighten the atmosphere! What's wrong with some variety, the ol' soft shoe.
ALIEN: It's a violent clash of extraterrestrial bloodshed. NOT West Side Story.
PREDATOR: Well, who wanted to be the romantic lead?
ALIEN: It's my name that comes first in the title.
PREDATOR: Pah! You're so vain you probably think that song is about you. As if anyone would go for you.
ALIEN: What? I'm tall, dark and sleek. Face it. I'm damn pretty.
PREDATOR: You're pretty damn ugly.
ALIEN: That's it ... (lunges at Predator).
TNP: (from under a desk) Ahem. Alien and Predator, thank you very much.
PREDATOR: And my real name's Gerald.
*This was first published We suspect that interview may be totally made up
This article was first published on Aug 27, 2004 with the headline Stalk Show
Get The New Paper on your phone with the free TNP app. Download from the Apple App Store or Google Play Store now