Movie Review: Murder On The Orient Express is criminally boring
This had all the ingredients for a perfect whodunnit.
It is based on one of Agatha Christie's best-known Poirot books and the suspects are played by some of modern cinema's best movie villains, such as Johnny Depp and Willem Dafoe.
But allow me to kill your hopes for Murder quickly - quicker than the almost two hours the film stretches to: It is not very interesting.
Which is a shame, considering it is helmed and fronted by Kenneth Branagh, a fine actor who made a fine first Thor movie in 2011.
His Poirot may not be recognised by Christie herself if she were alive.
No egg-shaped head and, most notably, a Belgian accent so bad it cannot even be considered a worthy caricature.
In this reimagining, Poirot is almost an alpha male action hero, running after potential suspects on train tracks. Not quite the fussy little man from the books.
And then there is the criminal under-utilisation of the supporting stars. I forgot Penelope Cruz was in the film - before, during and after the screening.
Judi Dench says almost nothing at all, and Dafoe is - wait, who does he play again? (There, I have given you three clues as to who may not be the murderer.)
There are attempts at 1930s upper-class lushness - lots of art deco touches on the train, period-accurate fashion and shots of European scenery in winter - but it is garnishing on a mediocre dish.
Another round of Justice League might be more worth your time than this.
Rating: 2 Stars
MOVIE: Murder On The Orient Express
STARRING: Kenneth Branagh, Michelle Pfeiffer, Penelope Cruz, Johnny Depp, Josh Gad, Willem Dafoe, Judi Dench, Daisy Ridley, Leslie Odom Jr.
DIRECTOR: Kenneth Branagh
THE SKINNY: On a train chugging through Europe in 1934, a passenger is murdered and world-famous detective Hercule Poirot (Branagh) has to use his little grey cells to find the culprit before he or she strikes again.
RATING: PG
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