Sucky Songs Of The Summer
The crop of contenders for this year's Song Of The Summer might just be the worst in history
Last year, music industry bible Billboard released its list of The 100 Biggest Summer Songs Of All Time.
At the very top was Puff Daddy's I'll Be Missing You.
Out of all the thousands of beautiful tunes that have helped set the stage for sweaty summer hijinks, this rap bastardisation of The Police hit Every Breath You Take somehow emerged victorious.
Summer tends to bring out the worst in music listeners. With our brains broiled by the sun, we tend to eschew good taste in favour of good times. This year is no different.
In fact, I would say that the current crop of tunes in the running for 2016's Song Of The Summer is perhaps the worst in summer history.
Yes, even worse than Whoomp! (There It Is). Whoomp! (Go To Hades), please.
The worst of the worst of this year's contenders is undoubtedly Panda by US hip hop upstart Desiigner, a 19-year-old kid from Brooklyn.
Panda, his very first commercial release, went viral, and miraculously landed at the top of the Billboard Hot 100 chart.
It also landed him a record deal with US rap star Kanye West, under his Good Music label.
Here is a sample of the lyrics: "I got broads in Atlanta / Twistin' dope, lean, and the Fanta / Credit cards and the scammers / Hittin' off licks in the bando / Black X6, Phantom / White X6 look like a panda".
Desiigner essentially just mumbles over a basic beat, while some weirdo makes bizarre noises in the background.
There is no harmony or melody. No verses or choruses. No peaks or valleys. No discernible emotion.
I cannot imagine what possible use a song such as this would have. Maybe torturing terror detainees?
The second worst song of the summer so far is Canadian rapper Drake's One Dance, which isn't much different from Panda.
It has a basic beat, but otherwise virtually nothing in terms of instrumentation.
Here is a lyric: "That's why I need a one dance / Got a Hennessy in my hand / One more time 'fore I go / Higher powers taking a hold on me".
Yet another goofy dude with a mic and nothing to say. Makes me wish I had a Hennessy in my hand.
Two other tunes in contention to be this summer's anthem are Justin Timberlake's Can't Stop The Feeling and Ariana Grande's Into You.
But seriously, both are too inconsequential to discuss.
For what it is worth, my idea of the ultimate summer song is Good Vibrations by The Beach Boys.
It shimmers like sun on surf, and puts one in mind of bikinis and barbecue.
Then again, who am I to talk about summer music? I'm pretty deep into my life's autumn.