Who would want my nude photo?
In light of recent celebrity news, I have considered strolling around the apartment naked.
My book sales are flagging, and it seems like an opportune time to raise awareness by getting a photo or two uploaded in the old birthday suit.
The obvious, easy way to jump on the bandwagon would be to whip out the wedding tackle, snap away and then upload the photos onto an iCloud.
But I don't know how to use an iCloud. To me, a private iCloud is like a man's private parts once he gets married and has children. I know I have one, but I don't seem to use it very much.
If I'm not sure how to access my iCloud, then a hacker's got no chance.
So it's probably easier to get one of the neighbours to do the snapping instead, considering we're watching each other already.
I can often be found peeking through the net curtains and shouting: "He's there again, watching football in nothing but boxer shorts.
"It's not right. Who watches Man Utd in their boxer shorts? It's not as if he's going to see anything exciting."
Our voyeurism in Singapore is practically a neighbourhood watch scheme.
We can't wait to Stomp online with photos and videos of our neighbours holding hands or kissing and cuddling.
Some would say these uploaders are civic-minded neighbours upholding traditional family values. Others might call them perverts.
Either way, if we're all watching each other then I might as well encourage the neighbours to snap a few photos of my birthday suit.
I can bring gender equality to the naked photo debate, get the Humphreys brand out there and flog a few books (particularly the Sexy Island one).
But there are stumbling blocks to my initiative.
When I informed my wife of my bold plan, she snorted like Babe the pig and muttered something about the neighbour's camera needing a really powerful zoom.
This unappreciated giggling is a regular occurrence for me. Whenever I use a public toilet, the cleaning aunties will invariably come in and mop the floor while I pee.
They always laugh at me, too.
But the other stumbling block for my sneaky publicity drive is the law. My preliminary research revealed that it's actually illegal in Singapore to be naked in your own home.
Alarmed, I conducted further research and discovered a slight caveat to the law - which was a huge relief as I'd spent three days showering fully clothed.
We are allowed to be naked at home, but we cannot be exposed to public view, under Section 27A of the Miscellaneous Offences (Public Order and Nuisance) Act, Chapter 184 (yes, these columns are not just daft jokes about male genitalia. They educate too, you know.)
In essence, the law means we have the right to shower, bathe and attempt to produce the odd baby (in the interests of national service).
But we cannot stand naked in the window, wriggle our hips from side to side, and sing: "Goodness gracious, great balls of fire."
But in the eyes of the law, being naked at home really is no joke.
If you are spotted committing this offence by kaypoh perverts - sorry, I mean civic-minded neighbours - a police officer has the right to enter your apartment without permission and use force, if required, to arrest you.
That's all well, good and weird, but how does an officer restrain a naked man?
More importantly, where does an officer restrain a naked man?
As a precaution, I've already come up with a foolproof means of escape. I'd cover myself in Vaseline. The officer would be chasing me for days. (And just imagine the money to be made selling those photos.)
Of course, the outrageous breach of privacy in the celebrity photo hacking case is a serious business. The victims are as blameless as the hackers are culpable.
In the good old days, hackers and scammers were less sinister. Their con jobs were almost respectable.
They either wrote to you on behalf of an exiled African prince looking for a safe place to park a million bucks or they offered you a cheap way to extend your wedding tackle.
(I often felt they should've combined the scams and offered a special offer, giving a free African prince with every extension).
Still, these are tough times and a leaked naked photo could generate all kinds of publicity and lead to a surge in book sales.
From a financial perspective, it's already a win-win situation.
My wife has offered to buy all my books if I promise to keep my clothes on.