Trumpocalypse now? Not for everyone
S M ONG SMONG@SPH.COM.SG Why would anyone vote for a former reality TV star to be president of the United States? I found out...
Are you there? Anyone still alive?
Has the world ended yet?
For supporters of US president wannabe Hillary Clinton, it might as well have.
We survived exploding Samsung phones and washing machines for this?
As US talk show host Stephen Colbert said on Tuesday night when America elected its first commander-in-chief to have ever sold steak: "It feels like we're trying to avoid the apocalypse, and half of the country is voting for the asteroid."
That asteroid is of course Mr Donald J Trump, the next president of the not very United States.
Where was Bruce Willis to blow up the crotch-grabbing space rock threatening to destroy the Earth when you needed him?
Instead of Armageddon hero Willis, which celebrities did Mrs Clinton get to endorse her? Beyonce? Katy Perry? Lady Gaga? All of them were no match for Scott Baio.
But didn't the polls say the former First Lady would win the election?
As it turned out, it was a perfect illusion.
I, too, was stunned by the outcome like I was groped by a 70-year-old real estate tycoon.
Former Nominated Member of Parliament Janice Koh pretty much described how I felt as the election results came in when she tweeted: "It's like watching a train wreck about to happen in slow motion, and you can't do nothin' about it."
Maybe we can blame the train wreck on a "rogue train", like the one blamed last week for the disruptions plaguing the MRT Circle Line.
Hey, that could be the next Star Wars sequel - Rogue Train One: An SMRT Story.
I'm so traumatised by a Trump presidency being forced onto the world that I feel like writing to Teenage magazine's Dear Kelly for advice on how to cope.
Yes, maybe I'm naive, but I didn't ask for it - even though I sort of predicted the Republican's victory six months ago.
In May, I wrote in this column about Mr Trump: "The former star of The Apprentice TV show is about as likely to beat Mrs Hillary Clinton as a football team that barely escaped relegation last season is to win the English Premier League."
Thanks, Leicester City.
I ASKED A FRIEND
To try and make sense of it all, I reached out to an American friend who I suspected is a Trump supporter, judging by a Facebook post or two.
She lives in a rural part of Wisconsin, a state which has consistently voted for the Democratic presidential candidate since 1984 - until now.
She's Caucasian, 41, and is studying to be a nurse while working part-time.
Married with three grown children including a daughter with Down Syndrome, she also volunteers with the Special Olympics.
On Thursday, I messaged her on Facebook: "Did you vote for Trump?"
She confirmed my suspicion with a quick "Yup".
I asked: "What do you like about him?"
She replied: "I like the fact that he's not a career politician and I think that we need someone in who is going to work for the country.
"I like the fact that he wants to repeal Obamacare because the American people who are forced to have it can't afford the premium much less the deductible."
I then tried to ask as diplomatically as possible: "So all the negative character stuff wasn't a factor?"
She replied: "Was I happy about that? No. But everyone at some point has said stuff that he did, women included.
"Is everyone perfect? Hell no!
"I like the fact that he wants to go in and try to get rid of ISIS. Our military is in places that we should never have been in the first place."
Answering a question I didn't ask, she added: "You sure as heck know I'm far from racist, a bigot, uneducated, etc."
Rather undiplomatically, I countered: "Well, yeah, but Trump is."
She replied: "That's what the media portrays. He's done a lot of good things that people don't look at."
She went on to criticise president Barack Obama and Mrs Clinton, but claimed she is neither a Republican nor a Democrat: "I think too many people have blinders on because they are only Democratic or Republican and don't look at the broad picture of it all."
But she acknowledged: "Trump is by no means someone who has the best character.
"But if he can implement changes and make things better, then great."
So for my friend and the 60 million Americans who voted for the man behind Trump University, it certainly wasn't the end of the world even as Lady Gaga and anti-Trump demonstrators protested around the country after the election.
I, for one, am glad that the world didn't literally end because then I would have missed out on all the great Singles Day sales on Friday.
I read that ex-California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is replacing the Donald on Celebrity Apprentice. Could The Terminator star one day become the leader of the free world too?
I have seen T2: Judgment Day.
Never mind Trumpocalypse.
Will you be ready for Arniegeddon?