Beng in Brazil learns Portuguese ... to pick up girls
"Do you have treasure? Let me see your chest."
Whether it's Sparks, Canto, any club at Mohamed Sultan in the past, or Zouk or Thai discos these days, my pick-up lines have a 50 per cent chance of succeeding.
This is like buying 4D right? Got try, got hope.
The thing is, I don't know how to speak Brazilian.
Wah, jialat, don't know their language means I can be in a lot of trouble.
But these days, we ah bengs have proven we are like cockroaches - throw us anywhere, we will find a way to survive.
So after watching my local team Hougang United win again in the S.League, I got a sibeh kiang (very clever) idea - ask the team's Brazilian striker Geison Moura to teach me how to sian zhabor (pick up girls) in Brazilian.
He is the perfect teacher because after playing for a few years in America, his English is very powderful. Sometimes more than my one. First he corrected me: "In Brazil, we speak Portuguese."
Wah swee! I love Portuguese egg tart.
So at a neighbourhood void deck, Geison gave me my one and only Portuguese tuition class to rule Brazil.
Of course I cannot be like a tiko pek (pervert) and go straight to pick-up lines right? Have to maintain a bit and bedek bedek (bluff) at first lah.
So we started with the useful everyday phrases like "What's up yo?" I'm serious!
In the Portuguese slang that's used in Sao Paulo, that would be "E ai firmeza!" And it's legal to be cool in Brazil because "cool" is translated as "legal". Interesting right?
So after learning phrases such as good morning (bom dia), good afternoon (boa tarde) and good night (boa noite), and also how to count from one (um) to ten (dez), I also learnt how to ask for directions and also how to bargain.
Where is the Arena Itaquera? = A onde fica o Itaquerao?
How much? = Quanto que?
Sibeh gui (too expensive) = Muito caro
Can cheaper or not? = Mais barato?
And in case I kena pa qio (get robbed), I should shout "Socorro (pronounced so-ko-ho)!" for help. Or "Ladrao!" which means thief, and it's also what local fans shout instead of referee kayu.
Eye on the prize ...
Like any ah beng, after one hour of tuition, I cannot take it anymore and so I asked: "Eh, how to pick up girls in Brazil ah?" And Geison told me the most beautiful pick-up line because it is so similar to my favourite that I told you about at the start.
"O seu pai e pirata?" which means: "Is your father a pirate?"
Then the girl will ask: "Porque?" which means: "Why?"
Then the punchline: "Porque voce e um tesouro!" which means: "Because you are treasure!"
On lah! Sure kena one! Then if steady already, I will say: "Eu te amo (pronounced eh-oo chee ah-mo)!"
I know in Mandarin this sounds suspiciously like you want a massage, but actually it means "I love you!"
Watch out meninas brasileiras (Brazilian girls)! Ah beng is bringing the sambal to your samba-land!