Beng in Brazil: Top 10 Moments
1. Getting there
I can only describe the 25-hour flight as sibeh chor (very expensive), sibeh hng (very far), and sibeh shag (very tiring).
But reach already no more complaints, because...
2. Goal! Goal! Goal! Ale! Ale! Ale!
I still cannot describe this without hokkien vulgarities, but #@$#@%$#, the first World Cup goal I saw live was the amazing Robin van Persie diving header.
Right in front of me, and I was seven rows from the field.
Daley Blind crossed, the Flying Dutchman run for 20 metres before that ki siao (insane) diving header that lobbed Iker Casillas.
Tim Cahill and James Rodriguez also scored super goals but they were footballers using their feet leh - it's expected. Somemore, their goals are compared to those others have scored before.
I don't think the world has ever seen a header quite like RVP's.
Take your pick, this World Cup also gave us 171 goals, equals the most of all time.
3. Gila Goalkeepers
I always feel bad for goalkeepers because sometimes when we play football, we always make the lousiest players play goalkeeper.
But even with a record number of goals, this World Cup showed us goalkeepers are actually also very important okay?
Algeria got Rais M'Bohli, America got Tim Howard. Mexico and Costa Rica also got their own Superman making flying saves in the form of Guillermo Ochoa and Keylor Navaz.
But Germany's Manuel Neuer, who really became a goalkeeper because nobody in the youth team he joined wanted to play goalie, was the best because he changed the way people think how a goalkeeper should play.
This fella is not only good at blocking shots, he even run out to tackle people and stop an attack before it becomes dangerous. Maybe it's because Germany defence too good and he was bored.
With all these great goalkeepers, I just consider myself sibeh heng (very lucky) to see many goals live at Spain 1 Holland 5, Germany 4 Portugal 0 and Uruguay 2 England 1.
Talking about Uruguay, what a player they have in Luis Suarez.
Lionel Messi, Neymar and Cristiano Ronaldo. None of them also don't have more World Cup goals than Suarez's total of five.
But none of them have more bite than him or are as tao nao pai (brain damaged) as Suarez!
Giorgio Chiellini was his third bite victim of his career and his new Barcelona team-mates must be so looking forward to his arrival at Nou Camp.
5. Men's man Mascherano
I don't know of anything more manly than to tear your buttbutt for your country.
Javier Mascherano did that when he made a tackle to stop Holland's Arjen Robben in the semi-final.
Eh Suarez, you try to bite Mascherano like that and see what happens lah?
6. The Coward that knocked out Neymar
At least Suarez got admit and say sorry at the end, even if you know it's those bueh gam wan (reluctant) kind of sorry said with a kuku face.
But Juan Camilo Zuniga refused to admit his violent and cowardly back-breaking tackle from behing was to purposely put Neymar out of the game.
It worked. It fractured Neymar's spine, broke 200 million hearts, and killed Brazil's hopes of winning the World Cup.
And Zuniga never even get any suspension, not even one yellow card.
You try to tackle Mascherano like that and see what happens lah?
He still can say: "I feel the situation was normal in a game."
Wah, hear already also hot (angry) sia.
This one see already steam (excited), no need to say anything.
8. Brazilians best
Other than the babes, the Brazilians are just super nice people. Every country has their own bad eggs but generally Brazilians have a ready smile, they go out of their way to help you and they are just resilient people with a great sense of humour.
I'm just sad that the Brazil national team couldn't give them the joy their people deserved. =(
9. Andy the God of Fortune
But over in Singapore, our people from the National Council on Problem Gambling made a lot of people happy when their mascot Andy beat horses, camels, fishes, octopus, birds and hamsters to correctly picked the World Cup winners from the start.
And just like a problem gambler who doesn't know how to stop, they go on and make another ad to fight back, only to kena again.
Aiyah, should have asked Ah Beng and his tech pro friends Greg and Gary to help mah...
I reach the last point already I also sad. Means this is the end.
My only consolation is some furious wrist action in my bedroom, getting some satisfaction while admiring portraits of an orgy of athletic men on the same page.
Black, brown, white, tall or short, handsome or ugly, it doesn't matter.
Once every few minutes, I can't help but to let out something that sounded like: "Ooh... Aah... Yeah..."
Then the door opened. I froze as my mother and I made eye contact.
There was a disappointed look of disapproval on her aged face, like how an old-fashioned senior citizen parent would look when she catches her 30-year-old son surfing questionable material.
Except that I'm not.
I'm just trying to complete my 2014 Fifa World Cup Brasil sticker album.
It's the only thing I have left going in this amazing adventure I wish would never end.
Lian in Lussia 2018, anybody?