Give me the No. 9 role!
MAN UNITED v MAN CITY
(Tonight, 10.05pm, Singtel TV Ch 102 & StarHub TV Ch 227)
After scoring again for Manchester United in midweek, Anthony Martial desperately wants to be the club's main striker.
So ahead of tonight's Manchester Derby, he sat down with Wayne Rooney to beg for the No. 9 role.
Here's what they almost certainly would've said to each other.
Martial: Hey, Wazza. Do you mind if I bring in a translator?
Rooney: Do you want to speak French?
Martial: No, I can't understand your Scouse accent.
Rooney: Very funny. We can communicate just fine.
Martial: We didn't against CSKA Moscow.
Rooney: That was a one-off. We were just missing a little something.
Martial: Yeah. A carrier pigeon.
Rooney: Look, is there something you want? I've got a lot on my mind right now.
Martial: Yes, I noticed the new hair weave.
Rooney: No, not that, it's just birthday stuff, you know.
Martial: Hey, you're not going to do a Yaya Toure, are you? We all remembered your birthday. We got you something personal and practical.
Rooney: You bought me a hat.
Martial: There you go, perfect. What's wrong with your birthday anyway? You should be proud. You're our Ryan Giggs.
Who'd have thought that a Premier League striker could still be playing at the age of 40?
Rooney: I'm only 30.
Martial: No, you're messing with me, right?
Rooney: No, I'm 30.
Martial: But I've seen that video where you scored your first goal for Everton. You sure you weren't at least 28 in that clip?
Rooney: No. I was 16.
Martial: Were you, like, born into puberty? Look, it doesn't matter. It's about the Manchester Derby.
Sergio Aguero and David Silva are out and we've got a decent chance of winning, as long as we put out our strongest side, and you give me your No. 9 role. What do you think the weather will be like?
Rooney: Hey, what did you just say?
Martial: What do you think the weather will be like?
Rooney: No, before that.
Martial: You were born into puberty.
Rooney: No, the bit about you playing as a No. 9.
Martial: Well, I think it's worth a try because I've already scored five goals for United and you've…
Rooney: I have scored 187 Premier League goals and contributed 90 assists for United and won every single club trophy on offer.
Martial: So has Bobby Charlton but no one expects him to run out in front of the crowd.
Rooney: What was that?
Martial: I said Bobby Charlton must be very proud… Look, I'm not saying let's make the switch permanent and just give it a go against City.
I think I've got the pace to get past Eliaquim Mangala. I know his weaknesses. We're both French. We speak the same language.
Rooney: Eh, so do we, like, you know.
Martial: Sorry, Wazza, can you repeat that? I don't speak Scouse.
Rooney: Make fun of me all you want, but I've been scoring goals here for years.
Martial: I believe you. But that was when the side had speed. Now we've got Bastian Schweinsteiger.
Rooney: Yeah, he was a little quicker in the past.
Martial: So was the last ice age. Put me up front and we'll have the pace to get behind City's back four.
Rooney: Now, listen here, you little croissant. I own the Manchester Derby. Have you seen me in these games? Did you see my overhead kick in 2011?
Martial: It was fantastic. Can you still leap that high now?
Rooney: Of course, I did it in the gym last week.
Martial: Without using a trampoline?
Rooney: Don't get technical with me.
Martial: I'm not saying that you're not a top footballer, Wazza, I just think I offer something different against a fast City side.
Rooney: Too bad. I'm the skipper. I'm still the main man around here. You remember that.
You can have your latest goal-scoring stats, but I've got something that no one else will have in this Manchester Derby.
Martial: Yes, I know. But I don't see how a hair weave will help us.