Here're the Feeble Final Day Awards
WACKO NEILO
Watching Sky News build up to the final day of the season feels like the build-up to a prostate examination.
It's necessary, but not something to get excited about. In big, bold, capital letters, Sky News referred to the final round of Premier League fixtures as "THE RUN-IN".
That's a title you might give the last stragglers at the Singapore marathon, those dressed as durians and running for charity in a time of eight hours and 27 minutes after stopping for rojak.
So, in a desperate effort to create some excitement for a campaign that seemed to end 15 minutes into the first game back in August, here are the Feeble Final Day Awards that could be contested today. It's all to play for!
1 The race to be least rubbish
Never mind Barcelona and Juventus. The real race is tonight, the race to finish fourth from bottom. It's between Hull and Newcastle.
You probably haven't been on the edge of your seat quite like this since your last tooth extraction.
Play a drinking game with buddies. Take a swig of something potent every time a commentator makes reference to the £100 million ($208m) fixture or the most expensive game in the clubs' history and so forth.
They'll cut back between Hull against Manchester United and Newcastle against West Ham continuously, pumping up the tension, reminding the audience that these are the most expensive games in the history of... zzzzz.
In reality, of course, the audience will watch only to see if Louis van Gaal is still hung over from United's end-of-season awards party and makes another slurred speech.
United fans know their season has been rubbish when the highlight was their red-faced manager praising a female saxophonist. She was such a hit at the awards night, she could come on in the second half to replace Phil Jones.
2 Europa League, here we come
The chase is on for a competition spot no one really wants. Not one club have qualified for the Europa League.
It should be two from Liverpool, Tottenham, Southampton or Aston Villa (via the FA Cup final).
Can you cope with the tension? I'm sure you're excited after those dozens of late-night Europa League games you didn't stay up to watch this season.
A place in the Europa League is like a mother-in-law. You have to say you want one to be polite, but you don't really.
3 Nice guys finish in Europe
The entire top four and two of the relegation spots were settled before the final day of the season. So attention has turned to the farcical Fair Play league.
This is a ludicrous league where a club qualify for the Europa League for being - nice.
That's right. If a team of dandies don't get their frilly clothes dirty and remember not to pull anyone's pigtails, they get a spot in the Europa League.
And it's between Everton and West Ham. The Toffees aren't keen because the Europa League did for them this season what the Playboy Mansion did for Charlie Sheen. They're exhausted. They want cautions at Tottenham tonight. They need to see more yellow than a Coldplay concert.
4 The hunt for Red Sterling
The race is on to save or sell Raheem Sterling.
Some Liverpool fans still believe he's the greatest thing since sliced bread, i.e. they'll turn him into toast at Stoke.
Sterling says it's not about the money, it's about the trophies. Brendan Rodgers insists the wayward winger will win silverware at Liverpool and, to prove it, the Reds have won only once in their last six games.
Rodgers insists his track record with precocious talents is second to none. Well, it might be time to hire this "one" character then.
After Luis Suarez and Mario Balotelli, Rodgers handles temperamental talents in the way Edward Scissorhands handles newborn babies.
So Liverpool must play their socks off in a bid to keep Sterling. Or, they may lay down in a bid to get rid of Rodgers. Either way, Sterling should find himself less popular than a flatulent man in a lift.
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