Neil Humphreys: And the EPL Wacky Awards go to...
Yes, it's that time of year again. When footballers head to the beaches and fans pretend to like cricket. The English Premier League season is over so, with tongue in cheek, our columnist NEIL HUMPHREYS hands out the Wacky Awards…
The Tom Hanks Award for Niceness: Mo Salah
In his spare time, Liverpool's superstar must be a Darth Vader wannabe. No human being can be that nice.
The Egyptian scored a record 32 league goals in a 38-game campaign and then smiled politely.
This isn't right. He's supposed to tear his shirt off, slap his washboard abs, glare at the crowd and kick a ball boy. That's the modern way.
But Salah is humble, kind and selfless.
Does he have no idea what's expected of him? When Salah received his Golden Boot award, he insisted on bringing out his beautiful daughter.
Naturally, she was ridiculously well-behaved for a toddler.
She didn't scream or spit once, which means she can never be a Sky Sports pundit.
Any day now, there has to be a story that reveals Salah secretly sends hate mail to Everton fans, anything that confirms he's really like the rest of us.
He makes me want to be a better man and that just won't do. Until then, I'll dream of him stealing kids' ice-creams instead.
The Yaya Toure Crybaby Award: Harry Kane
When the Manchester City legend didn't get a birthday cake last year, the EPL witnessed a toddler's trantrum like no other.
Everyone assumed such petulance could never be repeated. Well, step back Toure. Kane will take it from here.
Last month, the Tottenham striker appealed to have a goal against Stoke awarded to him, instead of Christian Eriksen.
He won the appeal and Eriksen now spends his evenings sticking needles into a Kane voodoo doll.
During his protests, Kane could be found on the Tottenham High Road, stopping strangers and saying: "It was my goal. Every goal is my goal. Your goals are my goals.
"Mo Salah's goals are my goals. He's not even that nice. He steals kids' ice-creams."
Avengers: Infinity War Award: Tottenham Hotspur
Spoiler alert: Do not read on if you haven't seen the latest Avengers movie.
If you have, then you'll understand the similarities between the film's ending and Spurs' likely behaviour this summer.
Basically, after every plan goes wrong, the major stars begin to slip away and vanish.
Apparently, something similar happens in Avengers: Infinity War, too.
The Ironic "Ginger Pele" Award: James Collins
West Ham fans loved their departing cult hero and called him The Ginger Pele all season long. But he's 34. He's a centre-back. And he's bald.
The Actual "Ginger Pele" Award: Kevin de Bruyne
There hasn't been a red head this appealing on screen since Nicole Kidman.
The Unwanted Donald Trump Award: Sam Allardyce
Wherever the American President goes, he fears a public protest.
Big Sam Allardyce knows the feeling. In truth, it's hard to admire anyone who calls himself "Big", unless he's a porn star.
In the final game of the season, the Everton fans said they didn't want him. The West Ham fans also said they didn't want him and they don't even have him any more.
Large crowds are always on hand to remind the Everton boss that he's not wanted. Like Trump, he's also been caught on camera saying stuff that got him into trouble. Perhaps they could swop jobs. One is volatile and unpopular and the other is the American President.
The Alan Pardew Award for Being Overrated: Alan Pardew
No one wins the Alan Pardew Award for being so spectacularly overrated in EPL management quite like Alan Pardew.
Expect him to pop up somewhere else next season so he can be sacked again.
The Don King Hype Overkill Award: All EPL pundits
In the 1980s, boxing promotor Don King drummed up interest in the most meaningless bouts.
As an old man, he'd make a fine guest on an EPL TV panel.
On Sunday, we had the massive - drumroll please - "Race for Europe", where Liverpool needed a point, at home, against Brighton.
Dentist's trips have greater nail-biting urgency. And who can forget the tense, final-day challenge to beat relegation?
The maths were complicated, but in essence, Swansea had to beat Stoke, and Manchester City had to sink Southampton, both by big margins to effect a 10-goal swing, and Saints boss Mark Hughes had to hop on one leg for 90 minutes.
It didn't happen.
Still, watching EPL folks hype a competition that effectively ended in October was marvellous.
Next season, we can't wait for the titanic battle for 10th spot. This time, it's war of the irrelevant.
The Elton John Farewell Tour Award: Arsene Wenger
Musicians always drag out farewell tours to sell more tickets. But Wenger's long goodbye went on longer than a Mesut Oezil "injury".
Since the Gunners boss announced his decision, polar ice caps have melted, the population has doubled and entire species have disappeared (and that's just Mesut Oezil).
It felt like it was never going to end, rather like Arsenal's defensive crisis.
The Best Chant Award: Huddersfield Town
Slicing through the hypocritical sentimentality, Huddersfield fans sang what everyone else was thinking.
As Arsene Wenger acknowledged his 1,000th standing ovation from the Arsenal faithful - one for presumably every 'Wenger Out' placard - the Huddersfield mob rose to their feet and chanted:
"You wanted him out!
"You two-faced b*******
"You wanted him out!"
The Bermuda Triangle Award: Alvaro Morata
Morata reached Chelsea and promptly disappeared. He hasn't been seen since. If found, please return to Real Madrid.
The Worst Gladiator Impression: Jose Mourinho
The Manchester United manager stood in the middle of Old Trafford's Colosseum.
His opponents were vanquished, thanks to a scrappy, solitary goal. Mourinho raised his arms to the heavens and screamed: "Are you not entertained? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?"
To which five Red Devils fans replied: "Er, not really, no."
Everyone else was asleep.
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