Neil Humphreys: Parking the bus is suicidal football
Sitting back against City doesn't work and kills game
Leave the bus on the pitch and take the ball home.
Switch channels and find a sporting contest of similar excitement, something like a needlework exhibition.
If the Chelsea way is the only way to play against Manchester City, then the English Premier League's reputation for being an engaging competition is just about done.
Anti-football is suicidal football against Pep Guardiola's band of cut-throat artists.
Such negativity doesn't kill City, just the game itself.
Antonio Conte blamed N'Golo Kante's absence for forcing Chelsea to play safe in their 1-0 defeat yesterday, but sympathy was not on his side.
Nor was history.
Sitting back against City doesn't stop them. It just stalls them. The ordeal is simply longer and more painful.
As a defence, it's up there with linking arms with fellow swimmers and surrounding Jaws in the hope that he'll lack the intelligence to start tearing away at flailing limbs.
There will be blood. In the end, there always is.
City have failed to score only once in the English Premier League. On New Year's Eve, the festive fixture overload and several injuries led to a 0-0 draw against Crystal Palace.
Guardiola's forwards in the penalty box are no different to loan sharks outside a debtor's Housing Board flat.
They'll turn up eventually.
Rafael Benitez's Newcastle United matched Chelsea's quest to achieve total boredom last December, when the Magpies handed over two-thirds of the pitch and lost 1-0.
Afterwards, an unapologetic Benitez sounded like an unmasked villain in Scooby-Doo. He would've gotten away with it, if it wasn't for those pesky City kids.
Jose Mourinho was similarly sulky after pinning back his defensive lines at Old Trafford for nothing, unable to stop the Blue Moon rising. City prevailed 2-1.
In all three instances - and there've been others - a startling lack of tactical imagination had essentially left opponents with only two options.
Suffer a hammering for one's art. Or send out the bus fleet and pinch a narrow defeat.
It's hard to recall such a collective gathering of white-flag wavers.
The year after their Treble-winning heroics, Manchester United swaggered to the title in 2000, 18 points clear of the rest.
In that calendar year, Arsenal took four points off the runaway champions.
Patrick Vieira wasn't calibrated to sit behind the wheel of a stationary bus any more than Roy Keane at United or Eden Hazard at the Etihad yesterday.
The exasperated Belgian couldn't look Conte in the eye when he was substituted, which was hardly surprising.
Hazard has eyes only for Real Madrid.
City's title procession has turned them into football's Mike Tyson, with cowed opponents shivering in the tunnel, beaten before the battle begins.
Their omnipotence cannot be challenged. Suddenly, a slender loss is a moral victory of sorts, which is patently nonsense.
Three domestic teams and a couple of continental opponents have poked City's weak spots, a daunting task that's the tactical equivalent of squeezing an X-Wing fighter into the Death Star trench.
But there is a weakness, one that even Guardiola recognises.
By the very nature of City's frantic counter-pressing, they leave holes at the back, particularly in the space between wing-back and centre back.
Guardiola has sought to mind the gap, but Bristol City (League Cup), Wigan Athletic (FA Cup) and Liverpool all targeted those minor deficiencies.
Shakhtar Donetsk and Napoli did the same in the Champions League, but none were quite as spectacular as the Reds.
Juergen Klopp might instruct his Anfield speedsters to play every game like it's a five-a-side kickabout on a Merseyside council estate, but Liverpool's decision to fight fire with fire ensured a 4-3 victory.
It was arguably the game of the season, a riveting highlight in a lopsided race with one thoroughbred and far too many buses.
Sadio Mane, Mohamed Salah and Roberto Firmino irritated City's back four. They bullied Ederson until he made mistakes.
They chased every City ball and body.
Chelsea didn't even field a centre forward, leaving Hazard in the hapless No.9 role.
It didn't work. It was dull. There was no point to the exercise.
The Blues' inexplicable caution also has far-reaching consequences for the EPL.
If the champions surrender before kick-off, what chance has everyone else got?
For the sake of the game, the Liverpool way needs to be the way to go.
Conte might be off soon, but audiences will switch off just as fast if City's rivals persist with such wretched anti-football.