Star Wars- The EPL Farce Awakens
WACKO NEILO
It's the biggest event of the year.
The whole world is talking about nothing else.
I am, of course, referring to West Ham's crunch clash at Swansea City this week.
Apart from that, there is also the small matter of the most dramatic celluloid event since Cristiano Ronaldo did push-ups with his son on his back in his documentary.
Star Wars the Force Awakens is finally released in Singapore.
The movie feels like it's already been around forever without anything actually happening - a bit like Louis van Gaal.
But the movie is coming out this week and, to celebrate the occasion, here's a look at who in the football world might be best suited to play Star Wars characters.
Arsene Wenger is Obi-Wan Kenobi
He's old, wise and blessed with a fine head of white hair. His contemporaries admire him. His apprentices revere him. And, judging by those rags and that musty old brown cloak, Obi-Wan Kenobi doesn't like spending money either.
Brendan Rodgers is the Emperor
He takes young, promising talents and makes them really, really bad.
Aston Villa are the stormtroopers
They try their best, they're committed to their duties and look kind of cool in their uniforms.
But, let's be honest, their only purpose is to get shot down. They are extras.
You know they exist because you've seen them on screen, but you don't really know any of their names and don't particularly care.
Leicester City are the Ewoks
No one really takes them seriously. They are cute, but harmless. And then they take down the empire with cheap, home-made equipment.
The only difference is, the ewoks do not appeal to anyone over the age of five, whereas Leicester do not appeal to anyone outside of Leicester.
Jose Mourinho is C3-PO
Like the droid, Mourinho is fluent in over six million forms of communication but struggles in a crisis. C-3P0 is loyal to his master for three films then moves on to the next master.
Mourinho is loyal to his master for about three years and then moves on to the next club. In the end, C-3P0 needed the help of those irritating, hairy creatures called ewoks and Mourinho needed the irritating, hairy creature called Costa.
Louis van Gaal is Han Solo
They're both older, grouchier and still know everything. They're both in it for the money. It's as if Han Solo and van Gaal were separated at birth.
The only difference is, in the original Star Wars movie, Han Solo shot first.
He always shoots first, whereas Manchester United don't shoot at all.
John Terry is Jar Jar Binks
Has there ever been a more annoying footballer? I rest my case.
Ashley Young is BB-8
The ball-shaped droid is a new Star Wars character and little is known about him. But whatever the surface, he rolls around a lot.
Daniel Sturridge is Luke Skywalker
No other character has attracted more interest in recent weeks. He's hardly been seen.
Fans have scoured photographs, posters and clips hoping to catch a glimpse of him. Some have even speculated that he's not involved at all. Luke Skywalker has been pretty elusive, too. So far, his gloved hand is all that Star Wars fans have seen of him in the trailer. It's more than Liverpool fans have seen of Sturridge.
Diego Costa is Princess Leia
The Chelsea striker is feisty, fiercely independent and had to lose a lot of weight in the summer to keep his job.
Wayne Rooney is Yoda
He's a genius, but he now moves like he's 900 years old. Yoda struggles a bit, too. Both characters have achieved so much in their respective careers and yet, they still get their sentences back to front.
R2-D2 is Joey Barton
He tweets too much. He never makes any sense.
Marouane Fellaini is Chewbacca
Apart from the funny hair, why is he actually there?
Which other footballers could be Star Wars characters? E-mail us at npsports@sph.com.sg
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