Dutchman's dopey dossiers

Paul Scholes thought the Manchester United manager was mad. The rest of the world laughed at him. Even the club's media manager rolled her eyes in embarrassment. But that didn't stop Louis van Gaal from producing a daft dossier to prove that the Red Devils were not a long-ball side.

With United preparing for their FA Cup clash against Preston, the Dutchman has reportedly prepared other dossiers to show that he is an all-knowing, all-powerful genius. Here are the best of LVG's dossiers, in his own words.

1 Why United are better than Preston

"If you look at my four-page dossier here, with a photo of me on every page, you will see that Manchester has better pies than Preston. Before he left the club, we asked Anderson to test all the pies in Lancashire. After eating 12 pies, he found that only four were successful for Preston, but eight were successful for United. So we can conclude that we are better and, more importantly, that Anderson ate all the pies."

2 Why United play attractive football

"We did a survey during the Burnley game at Old Trafford. According to my scouts, we had 56 per cent of the possession and when we had that possession, only 25 per cent of the home crowd fell asleep. Also, I tried to get Ryan Giggs' opinion of our attractive display in the second half, but it was difficult. He had fallen asleep."

3 Why we do not play long balls

"Firstly, Big Sam Allardyce is not very big, so I do not understand this nickname. With my coiffed hair, I am much bigger. It must be your strange English sense of humour. Also, because I am a genius, and you are not, I must explain the difference between a long ball and a long pass. West Ham hit long balls to tall players. But a long pass is something you see from Johan Cruyff, Glenn Hoddle or Andrea Pirlo. It's elegant, balletic and beautiful. And we smack long balls to Marouane Fellaini."

4 Why Fellaini can play as a striker

"People criticize me for using Marouane Fellaini as a target man, but look at these figures. He reached more high balls than my other players. In this dossier, we show that Fellaini offered more than Radamel Falcao up front. Also, we show that David de Gea offers more than Falcao up front. We couldn't analyse Robin van Persie because we couldn't find him. No one can find him in the penalty box either."

5 Why Rooney never complains

"You say Wayne Rooney is unhappy playing in midfield. I have never heard him complain once. I cannot understand his Liverpool accent. He might be asking me to play up front or he could be singing Ferry Cross the Mersey. I really have no idea."

6 Why I understand English football

"People say I am silly to make dossiers. They say I don't understand the English football culture. They say that it is not the English way to produce notes and facts in press conferences. But I learn from an English football expert. I get advice from Rafa Benitez."

7 Why I am always right

"I have a dossier that shows that I am all-knowing, all powerful and always right. I am like a James Bond villain with better hair. This dossier is called my resume. If you compare it to David Moyes' resume, I have won every major trophy in Europe. Moyes won the Division Two title with Preston. My silverware makes a 10-page dossier. I put Moyes' trophies on the back of a postage stamp."

8 Why I have a sense of humour

"It has been suggested that I do not have a sense of humour.

That is not true. I have a dossier here that shows I smiled once in the first half, and twice in the second against Burnley.

Also, I know you make fun of Dutch people for starting each sentence with 'also'. Watch Manchester United more closely and you'll spot my sense of humour. Have you seen the defence I pick every week?"