We're not pub teams!
As they prepare for their Premier League blockbuster (stop laughing), Manchester United and Liverpool meet tomorrow in the battle of two top-10 sides. But Louis van Gaal and Brendan Rodgers are two very angry managers. Gary Neville dismissed this fixture as a kick-around between two pub teams. To set the record straight, both managers agreed to meet...
Van Gaal: Who is this ex-legend Neville to tell us that this is a game for pub sides? That is an outrageous slur.
Rodgers: I couldn't agree more... Same again, Louis?
Van Gaal: Yes, make it a double. I could use a couple of shots.
Rodgers: So could Rickie Lambert.
Van Gaal: Yes, you are having it tough. It's always a problem when you don't score enough goals at a big club... Wait, are you still at Swansea?
Rodgers: No, this is Liverpool Football Club. You've seen the sign. This is Anfield. We are one of the biggest clubs in Europe.
Van Gaal: I'll never understand your British sense of humour.
Rodgers: You're picking it up fairly quickly. You keep selecting Paddy McNair.
Van Gaal: He is a work in progress. If he continues to listen and trains really hard, one day he will...
Rodgers: Complete 90 minutes?
Van Gaal: I do not think you are in a position to make fun of me. I saw your game against Basel. Clearly, there is something wrong with your system.
Rodgers: And what's that?
Van Gaal: You don't have one. You just pack your midfield and hope that Steven Gerrard does something magical for you.
Rodgers: That's just nonsense. Our system now is entirely different to our previous system. Last season, we packed our midfield and hoped that Luis Suarez do something magical for us.
Van Gaal: No, any successful side start with a solid defence. You cannot win without a solid defence.
Rodgers: Have you found one yet?
Van Gaal: No. You?
Rodgers: No. I heard a crazy rumour that Chelsea might have one.
Van Gaal: I have discovered that defending in the English Premier League is like your Loch Ness Monster. Sometimes there are brief glimpses, but no one really believes in it.
Rodgers: But, seriously, what are we going to do about Gary Neville?
Van Gaal: I spoke to him already.
Van Gaal: He refused to come out of retirement.
Rodgers: You're kidding right? He couldn't play for you now. He's too old, too slow and would get caught out at every high ball in the box.
Van Gaal: He sounds overqualified to play for you.
Rodgers: Look, Liverpool Football Club are a Champions League football club.
Van Gaal: You got knocked out.
Rodgers: Liverpool Football Club are a Europa League football club.
Van Gaal: You always add the "football club" bit when you mention Liverpool, you know. Is that to give your position and the club greater stature?
Rodgers: When you represent Liverpool Football Club, it is an honour and a privilege to always say you represent Liverpool Football Club. It's in our Liverpool Football Club contract.
Van Gaal: We're United. We need only one word. We're like Pele and Ronaldo.
Rodgers: Or Rihanna. Look, mock all you want, but this is still the biggest game in British football.
Van Gaal: It's third against ninth. It's hardly Roger Federer against Rafael Nadal.
Rodgers: But a win will put Liverpool Football Club back in contention for Europa League qualification.
Van Gaal: Ooh, big time. We're up to third, we've won five games in a row and...
Rodgers: You still defend like you're all dancing to the Macarena. Against Southampton, your 3-5-2 was all over the place. Chris Smalling, Paddy McNair and Marcos Rojo and then Jonny Evans and Michael Carrick, it's like you don't know which players you want or how you want to use them.
Van Gaal: I'm copying your strategy in the transfer market. Still, we need to put on a good show at Old Trafford. I want to silence Gary Neville once and for all.
Rodgers: He's your problem. My problem is Jamie Carragher.
Van Gaal: Has he criticised your team, too?
Rodgers: No, he won't sit on the subs bench.