The science of the COE

Whenever I fancy a weary chuckle or two, I either watch Manchester United's defence or catch up on the latest COE figures.

As you know, COE stands for "Cash Out Everything" (if you want to buy a car).

The COE results from Wednesday's bidding exercise all finished higher, naturally, with the cheapest premium for cars available at the giveaway price of just $65,710.

That has got to be the most expensive piece of paper since Fernando Torres signed his contract for Chelsea.

Apparently, these figures are scientifically generated through bids and some fancy mathematics, but I am convinced the COE guys just dangle a lollipop in front of a toddler and get him to shout some random numbers.

Surrounded by guys in white shirts and neatly parted hair, the kid plays with his toy cars and shouts: "Er… six, five… er… seven, one and… zero! Yeah, yeah, six, five, seven, one, zero, can I have lollipop now? I need to go pee pee."

I practically peed my pants when I read the latest figures.

On the one hand, I truly admire the thinking behind the COE bidding exercises. If we stick almost six million people into fuel-guzzling metal tins every day, we've got Bangkok, Kuala Lumpur and central London the moment we step out of our front door, in every direction.

My carbon footprint is quite dainty and I am proud of that.

On the other hand, I came close to whacking the bus driver over the head with my shopping last Sunday.

He seemed like a fair and reasonable man when I boarded with half a dozen bags at Kallang. So I am not sure why he confused his bus for a rocking horse.

My height works against me in such instances. There are only so many times I can elbow my fellow travellers in the chin before they start to take it personally.

But the COE prices were particularly galling this week because they were published on the same day we decided to sell our car - not here, but in Australia. And the price contrast might make you cry just a little bit.

For several years, our beloved old banger has been retiring quietly in my uncle's garage.

There is no chance of anyone stealing the car as it is almost small enough to fit in my pocket.

And in suburban Australia, they don't drive anything unless it is big enough to be rolling past the floating platform during the National Day Parade. To an Aussie petrolhead, the NDP is essentially a car showroom with fireworks.

Our little car is a classic Korean number, with four doors, a boot and a CD player. (That is the extent of my technical knowledge. It is hard to believe I have never been a guest on Top Gear.)

It is a reliable, fuel-efficient, practical family car for the city - and we can't give it away.

Rather than leave it in my uncle's garage for all eternity, I called a friend living in the same Aussie town on Wednesday.

"Look, it is a good car," I said. "You can fill the tank for 40 bucks. You'll just have to get a new battery. What do you think? Maybe $500?"

"No," she replied brightly. "You don't have to give me $500 to get rid of it."

I was expecting her to maybe sell the car for $500 and split the proceeds.

"No, no, I was thinking you could sell it for $500, maybe even $600. It has still got a good body."

"You couldn't get $600 for that car even if it had Megan Fox's body."

A strange comparison, I thought.

If I happened to be in contact with Fox's body, I'd probably pay $65,710 for the certificate. I certainly wouldn't leave her in my uncle's garage.

He still gets excited when he sees Dame Helen Mirren on TV.

But that is the irony. Take $65,000 off the current COE price and the piece of paper would still be worth more than my old car.

It is called supply and demand. In Singapore, there are enough folks capable of coughing up the cash for the COE. In Australia, there are enough folks who think $500 is too much to pay for a car.

(If you saw some of the rust buckets Down Under, you'd agree with them. There are cars sitting in Aussie showrooms that couldn't be exchanged for a packet of peanuts.)

Still, if you know anyone in the market for a second-hand car, let me know. It is just $500 plus shipping - and the $65,710 for the COE.

And it has two cup holders.

Yeah, I know. For that kind of cash, you'd expect one of the cup holders to be Fox.