Alien Vs Predator Vs TNP
And you thought they couldn't talk. With the release of Alien: Covenant, we went into our archives to 2004, when The New Paper supposedly interviewed the eponymous stars of Alien Vs Predator — and lived to tell the tale*...
TNP: Hi guys. How did the film come about?
ALIEN: Well, we've been looking for a project to do together for a long time .
PREDATOR: ... and both our schedules were free ...
ALIEN: Some more free than others (sniggers).
PREDATOR: What's that supposed to mean?
ALIEN: Well, how long has it been since your last film? And what have you been doing since? Dinner Theatre and geek conventions.
PREDATOR: I was not! Well, it's better than hanging around the bushes at night
ALIEN: That was Shakespeare In The Park. Not that you would understand culture.
PREDATOR: Ha! The closest you'll get to culture is a yoghurt.
ALIEN: Says you! Look at my roster of co-stars.
AC-TORS. Ian Holm, John Hurt, Charles Dance, Sigourney Weaver, Winona Ryder. And who have you been with? 'Arnult' Schwarzenegger, Jesse 'The Body' Ventura and Danny Glover.
PREDATOR: Hello ... Schwarzy? Jesse? Both have become US state governors. In fact, I'm thinking of going into politics myself ...
ALIEN: What as? Mayor of Loserville?
TNP: Er, calm down guys. So what was your first reaction to the script?
ALIEN: Well, the finished movie is a lot different from the original script. It was originally a remake of the Meryl Streep divorce drama Kramer Vs Kramer.
PREDATOR: I had been perfecting my Dustin Hoffman impression but the studios wanted more action.
ALIEN: Actually when we were first approached, we had the choice of two scripts. One was this, but the other fell through at the last minute.
TNP: And what was that film?
PREDATOR: Schindler's List.
TNP: I think I know why it fell through... So how was it working together after all these years?
ALIEN: I think I can speak for both of us when I say it was terrible. The tension on set was unbearable, and he had too many demands.
PREDATOR: All I asked was that you eat in a more civilised manner.
ALIEN: I have two mouths! It's hard to fill both at once.
PREDATOR: And do you brush the teeth of either?
ALIEN: Oooh. It wasn't me who demanded a musical interlude.
PREDATOR: Helloooo! It's fiction. It was to lighten the atmosphere! What's wrong with some variety, the ol' soft shoe.
ALIEN: It's a violent clash of extraterrestrial bloodshed. NOT West Side Story.
PREDATOR: Well, who wanted to be the romantic lead?
ALIEN: It's my name that comes first in the title.
PREDATOR: Pah! You're so vain you probably think that song is about you. As if anyone would go for you.
ALIEN: What? I'm tall, dark and sleek. Face it. I'm damn pretty.
PREDATOR: You're pretty damn ugly.
ALIEN: That's it ... (lunges at Predator).
TNP: (from under a desk) Ahem. Alien and Predator, thank you very much.
PREDATOR: And my real name's Gerald.
*This was first published We suspect that interview may be totally made up
This article was first published on Aug 27, 2004 with the headline Stalk Show