The alternative Golden Globes Awards (featuring John Cena)
The Golden Globe Awards tomorrow morning (S'pore time) will herald the awards season onslaught. As ever, you'll likely hear the same names in the same categories. To avoid early-onset awards fatigue, we decided to shake it out by giving out some some different awards
THE THAT'S-NOT-FAIR! AWARD
LeBron James is king on the basketball court. He is a tall multi-millionaire who had the audacity to co-star in the comedy Trainwreck - and be funnier than many of the professional comedians featured.
He even made me want to endure a Downton Abbey marathon, which previously beat having a root canal on my list of most hated things to do.
Naturally talented in two notoriously difficult yet utterly different arenas. It is enough to give this writer a quarter-life crisis.
WWE star John Cena deserves huge props for playing very against type as Amy Schumer's sexually confused boyfriend.
His intensely awkward sex scene with Schumer and Freudian attempts to trash-talk in the cinema were highlights of Trainwreck.
All the more galling that he came up with his own lines.
THE KEEPING-IT-SADLY-REAL AWARD
This writer is all too aware of how unglamorous journalists can look.
It's nice that Spotlight, the film about an investigative team at The Boston Globe, follows the fashion truth and makes the cast of A-listers look incredibly schlubby and normal.
You almost forgot that these journalists are being played by famous, good-looking actors.
Costume designer Wendy Chuck told The New York Times: "The hardest thing is making bad clothes work on really famous people, who look gorgeous in everything they wear, especially Rachel McAdams."
Ah, if only we all had that problem.
THE HE'S-EVERYWHERE! AWARD
A good year for Oscar Isaac. Ex Machina was critically acclaimed and Star Wars was critically acclaimed and record-breaking.
He also occupied TV screens in the HBO mini series Show Me A Hero - for which he is up for a Golden Globe.
Suddenly, it feels like he has retroactively inserted himself into older movies. He is the jailbird husband in Drive, the other "Bourne" in The Bourne Legacy, Prince John in Robin Hood. He was also in Sucker Punch.
THE WAS-ADELE- REALLY-THAT- BUSY? AWARD
Adele had a cracking theme for Skyfall but her absence was felt for Spectre. She released her album 25 just after Sam Smith's James Bond theme song, Writing's On The Wall.
We get that she was busy but after hearing Smith's attempt, couldn't the Bond producers have been a bit more pushy? You get the feeling that Smith was a placeholder for the all-conquering songstress, just in case she changed her mind.
THE RECEDING-IS-SEXY AWARD
Receding hair lines aren't usually thought of as sexy... But then Spy came around and gave us two leads - Jason Statham and Jude Law - who have changed all that.
Statham had it figured out long ago, by trading follicles for an amazing body and kick-ass action skills.
In Spy, Statham ventures into a full comedy and is more than willing to poke fun at his macho image. Jude Law's pretty not bad too, in that wigs can work style.
After watching Spy, I found myself naturally gravitating towards men who might be considering a treatment at Beijing 101.
But I soon found out that a receding hair line does not automatically come with a sharp sense of humour.
THE ARE-YOU-AN-ADULT-IN-DISGUISE AWARD
In Room, Jacob Tremblay bucks the trend of annoying child actors.
Despite just being nine-years-old, he possesses an emotional maturity rarely seen in actors who are many times older.
Along with Brie Larson, Tremblay holds his own in the movie. There's a horror film where a much older woman poses as a 10-year-old girl.
With Tremblay's abilities, it's making us doubt if he really is indeed nine!
THE THE-SMARTPHONE-REVOLUTION-IS-HERE! AWARD
So not a huge amount of people ay have heard of Tangerine, but it's been receiving some rave reviews particularly for its style and performance.
Tangerine essentially follows two transgender sex workers on a Christmas eve in Hollywood. But what's notable about this film is that it was shot entirely on an iPhone 5S. The revolution is now.
Stop dreaming, kids and just do it!
The New Paper will report from the red carpet at the Golden Globes. Follow the action at tnp.sg/goldenglobes2016