The M Match-Up
Star Trek Beyond is a rip-roaring adventure but it's also kind of a bummer. Captain Kirk (Chris Pine) is feeling bummed and Commander Spock (Zachary Quinto) is feeling bummed. They spend the whole film under their own individual rain clouds. Question is, which character wears his sadness better? Let the moping begin...
Three years into his five-year mission of exploring deep space, Kirk is overcome by ennui. Feeling restless, he begins to question why he ever joined Starfleet. He also fears he'll never live up to his heroic father. Making matters worse, his ship gets destroyed by jerk aliens.
Leonard Nimoy, the actor who played the original Spock, has died. Unfortunately, this means that his character has died too. When the new Spock is informed that the older version of himself has passed, he decides to leave Starfleet and follow in his footsteps in helping to establish New Vulcan.
ROUND ONE: SAD SPOCK
While Sad Spock has a legit reason to be upset, Kirk is just acting like a spoilt child. You're not happy as a starship captain? Boo-bloody-hoo, dude.
The Captain is known for his prowess with the alien babes, but he doesn't get much action in Star Trek Beyond. It's Scotty (Simon Pegg) who hangs out with the otherworldly Jaylah (Sofia Boutella). Aside from his time stranded with Chekov (Anton Yelchin), Kirk is mostly a one-man show.
Though Spock and Uhura (Zoe Saldana) have never had much chemistry, it's still sad to see them split up. The fact that Spock wants to mate with a Vulcan girl instead of his long-time girlfriend actually seems a bit racist to me. Good luck finding another girl as hot as Uhura.
ROUND TWO: SAD KIRK
Kirk is at his most heroic here, channelling his negative feelings into amazing feats of derring-do.
Though he's feeling blue, Kirk has a job to do. After the disastrous destruction of the Enterprise, he must rally his crew on a near-deserted planet, find an all-powerful weapon, fist-fight the beastly baddie Krall (Idris Elba) and save the universe. Oh, and he rides a dirt bike.
When the Enterprise goes down, Spock winds up in the company of McCoy (Karl Urban), the grumpiest man in Starfleet. Not only must he endure McCoy's constant complaining, but he must also figure out a way to best their hive-minded alien enemies and their ruthless leader.
ROUND THREE: SAD KIRK
Kirk not getting any is just wrong. Spock not getting any seems about right.
THE WINNER: SAD KIRK
Sad Spock is kind of a drag, but melancholy tends to bring out the best in Kirk. It gives the bratty captain some gravitas.
- Jason Johnson