I'm leaving my wife for Kyary
Our resident DJ/journo has found his soulmate in bonkers J-pop princess Kyary Pamyu Pamyu
I love Kyary Pamyu Pamyu.
I've been listening to her music only since yesterday, but this love is for real, guys.
True, true love.
If you've ever heard one of Kyary's sugary J-pop ditties or watched one of her candy-coloured music videos, you'll understand how I'm feeling.
Chances are, you'd also be smitten by this beguiling Harajuku girl.
Too bad. She's mine.
Sorry, wife. Sorry kids. Daddy's going to Japan!
Kyary's latest album Nanda Collection just won Best Album Of The Year at the recent MTV Video Music Awards Japan and also Best Album at the 2013 Japan Record Awards.
The girl has won tons of other awards to the point that it would be boring talking about it.
The point is, she's kind of a genius, and she's just 21 years old.
I was once a huge J-pop fan back in the 90s and early noughties.
Namie Amuro remains dear to me - and she's still going strong.
She possesses an otherworldly charisma, and I think Kyary is similarly gifted.
You take one look at her and you're entranced.
It's no secret that the popularity of K-pop has grown enormously in recent years, but to me it will always be a pale shadow of J-pop.
My wife - whom I will be leaving in order to wed Kyary - always tries to get me to listen to K-pop boy bands like CNBlue or Big Bang, and they just bore me to tears.
The girl groups like Girls' Generation and 2NE1 don't do it for me either.
The Korean stuff is bland, pasteurised and too safe.
Not like Kyary. This chick is wild.
The music sounds like something out of a very cool 32-bit video game.
It takes your mind to a fairyland filled with vivid colours, strange creatures and frenetic action. Around every corner, another delight or horror.
The videos are so visually sophisticated - and downright playful - that they leave you in awe.
Pause on a random frame in Yume No Hajima Ring Ring and you'll get a polar bear in an Afro playing a left-handed guitar.
Pause on a random frame in Mottai Nightland and you'll get Kyary leading a procession of dancing candles through a storm of white hearts.
To think I was intending to write about legendary rock group Led Zeppelin for this column, until my boss introduced me to Kyary. (Thanks, you can be Kyary's bridesmaid.)
By the way, if you want to see what the fuss is about, you can catch her in the flesh at her press conference at Funan DigitaLife Mall on Friday and her concert at The Star Theatre on Saturday.
I'll be there. Oh yes, I'll be there.