The seven-year itch is real - how to save a marriage when cracks start to show

Adrian and Natalie have been married for 23 years and have two teenage children. Not long back, they found themselves on the brink of divorce. Filled with hurt and anger, which were exacerbated by financial disagreements, they realised they had never really learnt how to communicate properly with each other, and lacked the skills to work through their differences.

As a last-ditch effort to salvage their marriage, the couple decided to seek marriage mentoring. After receiving help and guidance to resolve their differences, they reconciled, and are now better equipped to work through their problems.

According to the latest national statistics on marriage and divorce, marriages are on a downward trend, and divorce rates are rising. Stories like Adrian and Natalie's are beginning to sound more and more familiar, except not with the rosy ending. A total of 7,382 marriages ended in a divorce or annulment in 2024, a 3.7 per cent increase from 7,118 in 2023.

How do we ensure our own marriage bucks the divorce trend?

The lost art of conflict resolution

The mere mention of the word "conflict" can send a shiver down our spines. Many of us gravitate to either being conflict avoidant or overly confrontational. And unfortunately, the most tension-filled marriages often comprise spouses that fall in opposing camps - one trying to avoid conflict, the other eager to confront.

Thankfully, conflicts can be managed and the skills to do so can easily be taught. In fact, communication and conflict management are two sides of the same coin. And in today's digital world where more people communicate in short text messages instead of having face-to-face conversations, such skills may prove all the more essential.

In Reclaiming Conversations: The Power Of Talk In A Digital Age, American sociologist Sherry Turkle writes, "Every time you check your phone in company, what you gain is a hit of stimulation, a neurochemical shot, and what you lose is what a friend, teacher, parent, lover, or co-worker just said, meant, felt."

Gone are the days when we could just sit quietly in the presence of our loved ones, and share our thoughts over an issue without being interrupted by a mobile device flashing for our attention.

And in the context of our busy and harried lives, the ability to have difficult conversations in a respectful and conducive manner has become a lost art.

Keeping curiosity alive

Mr Lee Wai Hoong, a life and marriage coach at Punctum LLP, sheds light on a common problem married couples face, "Often when we first enter our courtship, we ask a lot of questions to learn about our partners-to-be, and are willing to compromise. After marriage, particularly after the first few years, we tend to settle into a status quo of merely coping with our differences. We stop being curious about our spouse and assume we know everything."

Instead of falling into this trap, he advises couples to move from a posture of all-knowing about each other to a posture of curiosity and openness whenever difficulties surface.

"The most important tool is active listening," he says, "as your spouse needs to know that he or she is being heard." This can be done by rephrasing and reflecting what you have heard and asking clarifying questions.

He explains that when we don't have the courage to have difficult conversations, we put our marriage at risk of many unspoken desires and are likely to fall short of the full potential of our relationship.

Is the seven-year itch real?

It seems like the myth of the seven-year itch is real, if the latest divorce statistics are anything to go by. Couples who were married for five to nine years made up the largest share of divorce, accounting for 29 per cent of divorces in 2024.

Ms Alicia Boo, principal counsellor at Focus on the Family Singapore, explains that this is the period that tends to coincide with stressful life transitions, such as first-time parenthood or a midlife career switch.

"During such transitions, couples may find they have a lot to juggle - from career to child-rearing to managing finances, and caring for elderly parents. These stressors, when compounded by the lack of communication and conflict resolution skills, may lead to the marriage being stretched thin and cracks appearing," she says.

"Hence, it is important to grow together in marriage and stay connected to each other," she adds.

The importance of marriage prep

Most couples who have attended marriage preparation courses would attest to its helpfulness.

One writer on the platform Choosing Therapy stated that premarital counselling helps partners by setting realistic expectations via improving their communication and conflict resolution skills. It also typically addresses family-of-origin issues, finances, sexual intimacy issues, and spiritual beliefs and values.

However, the question remains, does premarital counselling really work to reduce a couple's chances of divorce?

One study conducted by the Institute of Family Studies found that divorce rates were about 0.5 to 1.5 per cent lower in US states that enforced premarital counselling requirements, compared with states with no such requirements.

It seems that those who go through premarital counselling are also more likely to seek help if problems crop up later in the relationship. They are also likely to seek help quicker.

One study showed that wives who received premarital education and later considered seeking therapy, did so when their problems were less severe than those who did not receive premarital education. There is one caveat though - the same did not apply for husbands.

Further, those who received premarital education, and later considered seeking therapy, were more likely to follow through and participate in it, compared with those who had not received premarital education.

These findings suggest that those who receive premarital education are more likely to seek help when they face problems later. This empowers couples to take steps throughout their marriage to maintain their relationship.

This is a significant finding, as every counsellor would agree that early intervention and help-seeking is key to resolving deep-seated relationship problems and preventing a full-blown crisis.

Now, this does not mean that every couple who takes up premarital courses makes it through successfully and sails through marriage. There are inevitably a handful who decide to call it quits. In my experience serving as a marriage prep facilitator, I would consider this a good outcome.

It is far better for couples to realise that they are ill-suited for each other, before marriage, rather than after.

Navigating differences

My husband and I have been married for 17 years. Like Adrian and Natalie, we have had our fair share of disagreements and tension. We both grew up in high-conflict families, and had few positive role models of how couples can navigate conflict.

It was through premarital counselling that we learnt practical handles on how to work through differences and set realistic expectations before marriage.

Many of the communication tools that we were taught came in handy during our first year of marriage which can be aptly described as "stormy". It felt like we had a common language on how to articulate our ideals and expectations - from financial matters and career aspirations, to parenting and home affairs.

Although we did not begin our marriage journey with the best odds, premarital counselling and the ongoing conversations with different mentor figures in our lives have truly made a difference in our relationship.

We are determined not to become a national statistic, and to help others along the way. For something that is as beautiful, life-giving, and lifelong as marriage, surely it is worth investing in marriage education to set ourselves up for success.