Caregivers need to practise self-care before burnout hits

When I attended a free talk for caregivers two weeks ago titled When Love Feels Heavy: A Conversation On Self-Care And Challenging Behaviours In Individuals With ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), I was initially more interested in the second part of the talk.

Worrying about our children's behaviour is something that is almost hardwired into all parents. They don't have to be ASD kids. I don't think the parent who is not concerned about something related to his or her children exists, be it adolescent moodiness, behavioural addictions including gaming, or his or her kids simply making different choices than he or she would.

However, I was surprised to find that it was the first half of the talk that ended up speaking to me more. I found myself learning things about self-care that I had not thought much about before and seeing them in a new light.

What self-care isn't... and is

As the parent of a child with autism who is now an adult, I probably fall into a large category of parents, those who feel there is never time in the day for self-care. How can there be, when days whiz by in a blur from routine tasks alone?

Another misconception that I have also been guilty of in the past is that self-care is an indulgence and luxury.

Both ideas are not unusual among caregivers of all types, including those with small children, parents of special-needs children and adults looking after an elderly, ill parent or one with dementia.

And if you don't see self-care as important, you will not make time for it.

But as practising psychologist Vivien Yang, who has a doctorate in educational and child psychology, said at the session and in slide handouts: "Self-care is not selfish. Taking care of yourself helps you care for your child with more patience and energy."

This is similar to a line on an Institute of Mental Health webpage, which says: "Self-care is very important and beneficial, not just for you but for the people under your care. After all, you can't pour out of an empty cup."

All this makes sense to me now, but if one wanted to play devil's advocate, one might say that as self-care does not solve the actual problem, how does it help in the long run?

When I put that point of view to Dr Yang in a separate interview a few days after the talk, she emphasised the need for caregivers to have a broader understanding of self-care.

"It's not about changing a situation, thinking that your problems will be gone or pretending that life is easy," she said.

And it isn't only what is often depicted in social media: getting a massage or going on a holiday.

True self-care, she said, is about caring for your inner mental state. It is about choosing thoughts and habits that restore your energy and help you cope with the challenges of daily life.

She added: "Caregiving is a marathon, not a sprint. Small, consistent self-care practices keep you going in the long run."

To put it another way, it should, according to a webpage of Singapore's Agency for Integrated Care, "reset yourself to a point where productivity is once again optimised".

Take small steps

If, like me, you think "it is easy to say", then try to take to heart one piece of advice that most organisations include in their advice on self-care: Start small or have simple goals that can be accommodated among regular caregiving duties.

If you have realistic goals and understand better what you want self-care to do, then small steps forward are not a waste of time, and achievable even within a busy schedule.

For example, the small change I have decided on will be to hop onto my bicycle once a week for maybe half an hour. Cycling is an activity I have always enjoyed, but one I stopped doing for sheer pleasure after I had kids.

In returning to it as a form of self-care, I won't compete with anyone in terms of distance, speed or style. I won't push myself physically as my aim is not fitness or cardiovascular health, though that may well be a side benefit, and I'll stick to park connectors to avoid the stress of traffic.

I will instead relax while spending time outdoors, soaking up the more laid-back atmosphere of the beach, people-watching and feeling the wind on my face. To me, a bike ride will be like lifting my head and taking a deep breath of fresh air.

It is not going to be the same answer for everyone and people should find out what lifestyle change or activity works for them.

There are many different ways that one can practise self-care, including through physical care (for example, eating better, staying physically well) and in the social sphere (asking for support, spending quality time with loved ones).

Beware of caregiver burnout

There were two other sobering points that I came away with from the talk.

First, at least one study found that anxiety and depressive disorders were more common in autism-caregivers than in non-autism-caregivers. So, this group of caregivers should take more care, not less, looking after themselves and ensuring they can make it through the marathon, because autism has no cure and is "for life" - for the person's life and for the rest of the parents' lives too.

The second point is about recognising caregiver burnout. The signs of this can be physical, such as fatigue and appetite changes; emotional, including irritability and being depressed; and behavioural, such as withdrawing from friends.

Dr Yang later told me: "Ideally, don't wait until you are burnt out because then hopelessness may set in."

A HealthHub article for those looking after a loved one with dementia said that an "obvious pre-burnout sign" is when "caregivers don't find meaning in their caregiving task any more... Some may even have the feeling of being detached from the world".

Arming yourself early with the knowledge of what burnout and pre-burnout look like will make you better able to spot these changes in you. It will also help you recognise this condition in others, so that you can support family members and friends before they reach their breaking point.

To be frank, parenting itself can sometimes feel like a pretty long road. But I understand better now how taking small, manageable self-care steps can replenish me for another day, enabling me to not just survive, but also enjoy the journey, whether as a parent, a caregiver or both.