COMMENT: Singapore really should stop going nuts over a DJ's dinner date

Glenn Ong and I first bonded over a game of pool in Portugal at Euro 2004, where our relationship blossomed over a mutual respect for each other's balls.

Brief encounters followed in our media circles: a snatched hug at a bar, an arm across the shoulder at a public event, and an awkward exchange at a radio studio, where we bumped into each other and I fell pregnant.

A paternity test wasn't required because the child has taken to wearing dark shades indoors at all times.

Honestly, I could keep up the silly sex puns and daft gags for most of this column and still not rival the public and media hysteria that has engulfed this tiny nation like the tidal wave that will eventually hit us when the ice sheets give way to Man's avarice.

And when that day comes, when the sixth mass extinction reaches our equatorial red dot, someone will look up from their phone, stare at the apocalyptic wall of water, and say, "Ooh, Glenn Ong has got a new one. She's young enough to be his … oh, shit, where's my snorkel?"

Just in case you missed the latest existential crisis to reach our shores, here's a recap.

A Singaporean DJ had dinner with a woman.

That's it.

There's no punchline.

No gotcha moment.

That really was it.

Glenn Ong and Filipino actress Jonica Lazo shared some food. Based on the media stories and nationwide chatter that came next, you'd think Donald Trump and Xi Jinping had shared a meal at a Hooters bar while singing, "I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts."

When dinner becomes front-page news

As a consequence, there had to be clarifications and Instagram posts from both Ong and Lazo.

They were dating.

They were not dating.

They were just friends having dinner.

They went for sushi.

Sushi is responsible for bycatch, which unintentionally reels in other marine animals and is an environmental disaster.

They had sustainable sushi.

They didn't have sushi at all.

This writer has no idea what they ate, cares even less, and thought he'd slip in a major ethical concern to make a broader point.

We're all going nuts.

This non-story has gone on longer than the Singapore Grand Prix, which was where the couple had dinner, apparently.

In fact, one publication gloriously produced "another twist to a story that rivals the Marina Bay Street Circuit for turns" in the Ong-Lazo saga. Now, as someone who writes the odd detective novel, I think it's fair to say that sentence is doing a lot of heavy lifting.

First, anything that rivals the Marina Bay Street Circuit for turns is already setting a very low bar. There are more enthralling overtaking manoeuvres with shopping trolleys at FairPrice.

Second, a couple of adults saying they're dating - and then, wait for it, clarifying they're not dating - is not exactly Murder on the Orient Express, is it?

Makan at Marina Bay has a decent ring to it, but it's not challenging Agatha Christie for plot twists any time soon.

'How did we become so boring?'

If anything, I'm disappointed with Ong's conservatism. If you're going to go viral, go all in with headlines like, "Ong has dinner chained to a gimp in black leather."

In the old days, you had to do something really stupid to go viral - like say something racist on the MRT or go to a fancy dress party in blackface.

Now, you just have to have dinner with a woman. How did we become so boring?

I know we procreate like pandas with headaches, and we've had state-supported matchmaking agencies for decades, but we don't have to stare at a dating couple like museum exhibits now, do we?

Celebrity interest is nothing new, of course, and a little titillating escape from humdrum reality can be a generally benign pastime.

But the rise of parasocial relationships - this sense of closeness between the public and famous people through social media interactions - is concerning.

All lives, celebrity or otherwise, are fair game now. We no longer view strangers' lives from a distance. We feel entitled to participate, comment, and judge. I know the government wants to see an increase in participatory sports, but not like this.

Some of the online comments about Ong and Lazo - regarding their ages, appearances, and careers - were nasty, bitchy, and incendiary.

Comments that will be read by Ong and Lazo's families. And for what? The crime of having dinner together.

If we could get similarly invested in actual crimes - say, the ongoing, multi-billion-dollar scamming syndicate in Cambodia, or, even worse, drivers who don't signal - then the world would be a brighter, kinder place.

And as for Singapore's veteran radio DJ, if you want to go viral, do it properly next time. Take a real freak to dinner. I'm free on Tuesday nights.

Neil Humphreys is an award-winning writer and radio host, a successful author and a failed footballer.