I’m drunk on Schooling’s success
For several days now, my daughter has been locked in a cupboard. She is allowed out only for toilet breaks and her food is passed beneath the door.
She can only eat prata.
I can't take any chances. Joseph Schooling is on the loose.
He makes Keith Richards and Charlie Sheen look like Bert and Ernie.
He's wild. He's mad. He had - and I hope you are sitting down here - a few drinks.
There's not a moment to lose. Take only what you can carry - essential belongings and your favourite children - and make for the hill of Bukit Timah.
This is Apocalypse Now. It's the end of the world as we know it. REM will start singing at any moment.
The shame, the outrage, the horror, oh, the horror - a 19-year-old Asian Games gold medallist, Singapore's first male swimming champion in 32 years, had one too many in celebration.
Schooling had a few drinks to celebrate an Asian Games gold medal. When I was his age, I had a few beers to celebrate Friday.
I didn't need to win the men's 100m butterfly at the 17th Asian Games after years of intense training and personal sacrifice. I just needed five bucks from my father's wallet.
With the utmost seriousness, news articles solemnly reported that Schooling and fellow swimmers Teo Zhen Ren and Roanne Ho "appeared drunk".
Presumably, they failed to touch their noses with the tips of their forefingers, struggled to walk in a straight line and, when asked for some ID, dropped their trousers and sang: "I like to move it, move it... Do you like to... move it!"
In keeping with the serious tone of our national mourning, I must point out that there was no evidence to suggest that they did any of the above and probably didn't sing "I Like to Move it".
I don't know if they've ever seen the movie Madagascar.
But it was reported, with the heaviest of hearts, that two out of the three swimmers not only "appeared drunk"; they were actually "heavily intoxicated".
We must therefore conclude, ladies and gentlemen, that the accused had indeed consumed alcohol and were not impersonating drunken behaviour like some sort of weird clown at a circus.
When I had finally stopped laughing, I re-read the reports several times just to be sure that Schooling hadn't actually shot anyone.
He had, in fact, completed his swimming programme after inspiring an entire nation to bask in his glory.
As far as I'm concerned, he's earned the right to run naked through Orchard Road wearing nothing but his gold dangler and singing "I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts".
I'm not advocating such behaviour of course. Schooling doesn't have a busker's permit.
In Aussie Rules Football, teams conclude their seasons with an annual tradition known as Mad Monday, where teammates gather in a local pub to toast their highs and lows, blow off steam and build camaraderie.
Singapore's version of Mad Monday is lining up on the MRT platform at 8am.
We have a work culture. The Aussies have a sports culture. Schooling seems to be smartly bridging the gap between the two.
He works hard. He plays a little - but only when the job's done. Such a mature work-life balance has already earned him an Asian Games gold medal.
When I was around his age, I got my priorities the wrong way round. I got drunk in Orchard Road first and then fell into a private swimming pool.
I wasn't rewarded with a gold medal. But I did leave the scene of the crime like Usain Bolt.