Beatles' guide for sports dummies
In tribute to George Martin, the legendary producer of The Beatles who died this week, this column offers a guide to some of his biggest hits. More importantly, it shows which football folks (and female tennis star) the songs might have been written for...
I Am The Walrus - Louis van Gaal (above )
Not a single word makes sense. Every utterance is followed by strange sounds and gurgles. Academics have spent years trying to decipher each sentence. Having said all that, I Am The Walrus doesn't make much sense either.
I'm Only Sleeping - Eden Hazard
The Chelsea winger has set his alarm for the end of the season. That's when Paris Saint Germain will call and wake him up.
Ticket To Ride - Away fans
EPL clubs have agreed to cap away tickets at £30 ($58) for the next three seasons. Finally, away supporters won't feel they are abused, humiliated and dragged around like the last hairs on Donald Trump's head.
Money (That's What I Want) - Raheem Sterling (above )
Apparently, the Manchester City winger has this Beatles tune as a ringtone.
PHOTOS: AFP, REUTERS
Drive My Car - Jermaine Pennant
The Tampines Rovers winger may kick-start S.League's revival, and good luck to him for trying. But he did leave his Porsche in a Spanish train station car park. If he can leave S.League defenders with the same sense of recklessness, we'd all appreciate it.
I Should Have Known Better - Mike Ashley
The Newcastle owner hired Steve McClaren, aka the Wally with the Brolly, aka the man with the funny Dutch accent, and thought he could turn the club into a giant. Instead, McClaren has turned them into a jelly.
You've Got To Hide Your Love Away - Arsenal supporters
When they're losing at the Emirates, they get the banners out, demanding Arsene Wenger's dismissal. When they're winning at the Emirates, they make as much noise as a church mouse.
Nowhere Man - Christian Benteke
Consider the song's lyrics. He's a real nowhere man... sitting in his nowhere land, making all his nowhere plans for nobody. The song was made by four Liverpudlians. It's a wonder 40,000 other Liverpudlians don't sing the song to the benched Liverpool striker every week.
Taxman - Javier Mascherano
The Barcelona midfielder was recently handed a one-year prison sentence for not properly paying taxes in Spain. He's not expected to serve any jail time, as he should pay a huge fine. If he doesn't, he faces a real Magical Mystery Tour.
Rubber Soul - Man City fans
Technically, this is the name of an album, and not of a song. And honestly, this description doesn't apply to the older, established City fans. But to those who recently jumped on the billionaires' bandwagon, the name seems to fit.
Here There And Everywhere - Wayne Rooney
This is one of Paul McCartney's most beautiful songs. Just hum these poignant lyrics to yourself... Hair, making each day of the year... Changing my life with the weave of my hair... Nobody can deny that there's something there... Those are the right lyrics, right?
Yellow Submarine - Aston Villa
The journey is surreal. It includes lots of sinking. Everyone involved is yellow.
PHOTOS: AFP, REUTERS
Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds - Maria Sharapova (above )
John Lennon always claimed that the song was about a beautiful woman with long hair. But everybody else looked at the song's initials (LSD) and said it was really about taking lots of illegal drugs. This sounds awfully familiar.
Hello Goodbye - Remi Garde
The Aston Villa manager will be gone just as you're getting a chance to know him. What do you mean you've got no idea who he is?
The Long And Winding Road - Olivier Giroud (above )
The journey the Arsenal striker takes towards goal.
PHOTOS: AFP, REUTERS
The Fool On The Hill - Steve McClaren (above )
Watch Newcastle. Watch the forlorn man in the dugout and sing to yourself: Day after day... Alone on the hill... The man with the foolish grin is keeping perfectly still... Honestly, it's spooky.
The Continuing Story Of Bungalow Bill - Mario Balotelli
The AC Milan striker can be entertaining from time to time, but there's just nothing going on upstairs.
Penny Lane - Arsene Wenger
The Arsenal manager has no idea that the song title is a real street in Liverpool. He thinks it's a viable transfer policy.