Coaches count Costa's stamps

WACKO NEILO

The Premier League blockbuster meeting between Chelsea and Man City can mean only one thing - a meeting of minds, managers and mad haircuts (that's just Manuel Pellegrini).

So Jose Mourinho had to meet his rival coach to discuss the Beautiful Game and the Beast Diego Costa. Here's what they most definitely said.

Mourinho: Come in, Manuel. Sit down. Would you like tea, coffee or something stronger?

Pellegrini: Definitely something stronger.

Mourinho: Sure - Diego, get in here.

Pellegrini: No, not that kind of stronger. What's that barking outside? Have you got guard dogs now?

Mourinho: No, it's Diego warming up. He's out there with the youth team.

Pellegrini: Why is he training with the kids? Is that a punishment?

Mourinho: It's been raining. He uses them to run across so he doesn't get his boots muddy.

Pellegrini: Too bad you can't pick him against my team since he has been suspended. He stood on Liverpool players three times in midweek.

Mourinho: I know, I know. I told him off privately. I said he was a thug. He said he was a philatelist.

Pellegrini: A philatelist?

Mourinho: He collects stamps. Tell Vincent Kompany he's got nothing to worry about. If Costa was playing, Kompany will never be able to catch him.

Pellegrini: It's true. Kompany's rusty. He needs at least three or four weeks to get back to the highest level.

Mourinho: What about Eliaquim Mangala?

Pellegrini: He needs three or four years.

Mourinho: Yeah, you've got a big hole in your side. That's the trouble with the African Nations Cup. You lose Yaya Toure for too long. You haven't won a game without him. I've got Nemanja Matic. You've got a hole.

Pellegrini: You've got Costa. He's a different kind of hole.

Mourinho: Hey, he's different class. Do you know that since he joined Chelsea, our training pitch has become the best playing surface in the Premier League?

Pellegrini: Is he a groundsman?

Mourinho: No, he scares all the birds off the pitch.

Pellegrini: You can make jokes. But I'm in a mess here. I manage the world's wealthiest club and I'm five points behind in the table and out of both cups. If I lose this game, my season is as good as over.

Mourinho: Look on the bright side. It could be worse.

Pellegrini: How could it be worse?

Mourinho: You could be Brendan Rodgers.

Pellegrini: Hey, he's your old protege. Liverpool were unlucky to lose in that League Cup semi-final. And you said afterwards he was a great manager.

Mourinho: He sold Luis Suarez and bought Rickie Lambert.

Pellegrini: Yeah, fair enough. Lambert makes my Stevan Jovetic deal look shrewd.

Mourinho: Are you still trying to sell him?

Pellegrini: I'm trying to use him as part of a swop deal for Paul Pogba, but the Juventus president, Andrea Agnelli, wants a lot more money.

Mourinho: What does he think is a fair swop for Jovetic?

Pellegrini: A second-hand Fiat.

Mourinho: At least it's a reliable car. Anyway, your problem isn't up front. Sergio Aguero still delivers for you. And you've got Wilfried Bony coming in. Midfield is the main issue for you.

Pellegrini: That's why I'm desperate to sign Pogba. I've tried to sell him the place. I've told him what a wonderful city Manchester is. But there's a slight problem.

Mourinho: What's that?

Pellegrini: He's been to Manchester.

Mourinho: Of course, Sir Alex Ferguson let him go on a free transfer, didn't he? That was after he signed Bebe, but before he recommended David Moyes as a successor. What a fantastic manager.

Pellegrini: Great manager. Now about this game at Stamford Bridge, you're at home and you'll have the crowd. Can you promise a fair contest?

Mourinho: Yes, Manuel.

Pellegrini: Do you promise not to play silly mind games with the media and talk about daft campaigns against Chelsea?

Mourinho: Yes, Manuel.

Pellegrini: Can you promise that Costa won't stamp on anyone else this season?

Mourinho: Would you like another drink, Manuel?