The definitively daft guide to Euro 2016
It's a time of sleep deprivation, nervous energy and arguments with the wife about too many late nights. But this isn't about the players at Orchard Towers.
This is about the main players at Euro 2016. Nobody wants to look a fool at a major tournament (although Roy Hodgson never seems to mind).
So here's the definitive guide on what will definitely happen for Euro 2016's major nations (and Wales).
And if you believe that, you'll believe anything Hodgson tells you…
ENGLAND
What is expected to happen:
It's coming home. It's coming home. It's coming. Football's coming home… to England… in France. Three Lions followers will sing the chant endlessly, showing a disturbing grasp of geography.
Fever pitch will build at the thought of the Famous Five strikers, Harry Kane, Marcus Rashford, Daniel Sturridge, Jamie Vardy and Wayne Rooney. Folks will giggle whenever Rooney is referred to as a striker.
But momentum will carry England to the knockout stages and their nation will be struck down by a level of hysteria not seen since Downton Abbey went off air.
What could happen:
Roy Hodgson goes with two banks of four, forcing a global audience to stick red-hot pokers in each eye to alleviate the boredom. Then he gets handed a new 10-year contract for his good work.
Meanwhile, someone important breaks a metatarsal. The nation weeps. England lose on penalties and a highlights montage of crying Lions is accompanied by a dreary Coldplay song. The nation weeps some more. The England team then returns home early so they can each release their autobiographies.
FRANCE
What is expected to happen:
The world will fall for the romantic nation, the food, the songs and the climate. OK, French pop music is dreadful and Parisian weather is just as dreary as in the UK. But if you enjoy cheese, ham and bread with every meal, then French cuisine is for you. On the football front, Didier Deschamps' tried and tested 4-3-3 will romp to victory on home soil.
What could happen:
It rains so long in France that teams are taken to stadiums on tugboats. Mathieu Valbuena's alleged sex tape is released on the eve of a crucial France fixture and a distraught nation will recognise that the absent Valbuena at least scored once, unlike Olivier Giroud.
WALES
What is expected to happen:
The plucky nation rests its hopes on the slender shoulders of Gareth Bale, but he can't do much. It's Wales.
What could happen:
The plucky nation rests its hopes on the slender shoulders of Gareth Bale, but he really can't do much. It's still Wales.
GERMANY
What is expected to happen:
Mesut Oezil plays like "World Cup 2010 Oezil" and pulls strings like an obsessive guitar tuner. This is different to "Arsenal Oezil," who often looks like Michelangelo being asked to decorate the Sistine Chapel with finger-painting toddlers. And then, Thomas Mueller scores the winner. Toni Kroos plays like "World Cup 2014 Kroos" rather than "Real Madrid Kroos", who looks like Alfred the butler to Cristiano Ronaldo's Batman. And then, Thomas Mueller scores the winner.
What could happen:
Joachim Loew realises that being the best middle-aged wearer of a tight white shirt since Simon Cowell is no substitute for not having a defence. The manager returns to the dressing room and sticks pins in a Philipp Lahm doll. It makes Loew feel better, but it doesn't bring Lahm back from retirement nor hides the fact that Germany's defence has more gaps than a Donald Trump sentence.
The world champions' backline is brittle, exposed and dangerously out of its depth. And then, Thomas Mueller scores the winner.
SPAIN
What is expected to happen:
Like Austin Powers, the Spaniards rediscover their mojo. They dance out of the group as many frustrated pundits wonder why England doesn't produce players of such balletic grace, conveniently forgetting that Spain's success hinges on Sergio Busquets charging around like a bulldog on Valium.
The best performers either stay with - or join - Real Madrid and Barcelona. The next best performers are signed to sit on Manchester City's bench.
What could happen:
Opponents realise that Andres Iniesta has been around since black and white television. Pace is not on Spain's side. Defences will check the birth certificate of Aritz Aduriz and realise he's 35.
When they've stopped laughing, they'll look at upcapped Lucas Vazquez and the erratic Alvaro Morata and feel relieved that they're not facing the foaming Diego Costa, who was left behind to get his rabies shot.
PORTUGAL
What is expected to happen:
Cristiano Ronaldo and 10 faceless people borrowed from that wall of faces in Game of Thrones reach the knockout stages.
What could happen:
One of the faceless people tries to take a free-kick. Ronaldo kills him.
REPUBLIC OF IRELAND
What is expected to happen:
The Irish fans drink France dry. On the pitch, they lose every game, but win the hearts of every hopeless romantic. Assistant manager Roy Keane doesn't like the service on the plane over. He punches the pilot, tells him that he's not even Irish and flies the plane home himself.
What could happen:
All of the above, except the Keane part. He's a changed man now. He'll retain his composure throughout the (brief) Irish campaign. Then, on the way home, he'll punch the French guy at customs for not being Irish.
ITALY
What is expected to happen:
Gianluigi Buffon will be the centre of attention, thanks to Italy's imperious defence.
What could happen:
Gianluigi Buffon will be the centre of attention, thanks to Italy's hilariously inept attack.
SWEDEN
What is expected to happen:
Coach Erik Hamren will take out his trusty pen and scribble a familiar team-sheet, with a 4-4-2 formation that relies on two holding midfielders launching the ball to Zlatan Ibrahimovic.
What could happen:
Ibrahimovic takes the pen from Hamren and points out that he picks the team.
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