Don't laugh, Reds still rule the world
Tonight's clash between Liverpool and Manchester United is the biggest in the world… for Liverpool and Manchester United fans.
There was a time when these matches decided titles. Now they remind viewers how terrible Louis van Gaal and Brendan Rodgers' signings really were.
Liverpool and United just aren't what they used to be, a bit like Coldplay albums.
These games are a harder sell for the PR gurus at Liverpool and United. So if they had to meet to promote the Anfield encounter, I suspect the discussion would go something like this...
United's PR Guru: Ah, this is the one we've been waiting for, right?
This is Liverpool and Manchester United, Ali and Frazier, Nadal and Federer, Lennon and McCartney, Brad and Angelina, Mills and Boon, Ben and Jerry's.
Liverpool's PR Guru: Are you done?
United: What? This baby sells itself. It's a clash of the titans.
Liverpool: It's a battle between sixth and ninth. Apart from our fans, they're struggling to contain their indifference.
United: Rubbish. We have the global reach. Our snack sponsor is the biggest potato chip manufacturer in Malaysia.
Liverpool: That'll win you trophies.
United: Hey, the potato chips keep Wayne Rooney happy on overseas tours. We're huge in Malaysia. They all love us. We're big in Japan.
Liverpool: You're just shouting song titles now, aren't you?
United: Why do you have to be so negative at Liverpool?
Liverpool: We had three years of Brendan Rodgers.
United: Fair enough. But you're turning the corner under Juergen Klopp. We're both producing six-goal thrillers now.
Liverpool: You conceded three against Newcastle. Until then, the Magpies couldn't score in the Playboy Mansion with a free pass and a bottle of Viagra.
United: There's no need for sarcasm. Louis van Gaal is guiding us through a period of transition.
Liverpool: There was a shorter period of transition between ice ages. You need to wake up and read the Premier League table. We are being left behind. Arsenal have a more consistent attack and Leicester City have the better defence.
United: Please. Things change. People change. Leicester can't be that good forever.
Liverpool: That's what we thought about your manager. But it turns out you can be that mad forever.
United: Maybe so, but we've got a job to build this game for the neutrals, so let's focus on the positives. We've got Wayne Rooney.
Liverpool: You said focus on the positives?
United: Hey, he was magnificent against Newcastle.
Liverpool: Everyone is magnificent against Newcastle.
United: He scored two goals.
Liverpool: Even a broken clock is right twice a day. You need more than that.
Liverpool: I actually think we might have beaten Arsenal this week. We were unlucky with our selections.
United: You couldn't play Daniel Sturridge?
Liverpool: No, we had to play Kolo Toure.
United: He hasn't retired yet?
Liverpool: I think he did against Arsenal.
United: Well, we can't use him to promote this game. It's got to be explosive. It's got to say, "blockbuster". Will you have Philippe Coutinho back?
Liverpool: No, he's injured.
United: What about Sturridge?
Liverpool: Still injured.
United: What about Christian Benteke?
Liverpool: Plays like he's injured.
Liverpool: Look, it's getting late. Why don't we just call it an exciting game between two sides dedicated to playing attractive, attacking football?
United: No, we can't say that to our supporters.
United: Because they've seen us play.