Germany’s defence are Euro 2020's court jesters: Neil Humphreys
Even Three Lions must fancy their chances when they meet Loew's men in last 16
The Germans are certainly doing their bit to preserve the surrealism of Euro 2020, which feels like it's slowly turning into a bizarre art installation.
Take a tournament known for its fans and throw out most of the fans. Take out the rubbish VAR (video assistant referee) and switch it with a rather useful VAR. And then, take out the defensive automatons from Germany and replace them with... what exactly?
Who are these impostors, prancing around in freewheeling shooting exhibitions like a trashy Euro version of the Harlem Globetrotters?
They can't stop conceding soft goals. They can't stick to Joachim Loew's script, mostly because he doesn't seem to have one. They can't seem to do anything consistent beyond amusing us in one clumsy contest after another.
It's a shame that the slapstick must end against England.
Either Loew plays archaeologist and digs up a long-lost backbone in the dressing room or Germany's defence retains the fluidity of a SpongeBob SquarePants episode and they go home early.
Even a snoozing Harry Kane finds a way through Germany's current back three. Raheem Sterling nips in behind and Jack Grealish ploughs the Wembley field between centre-back and fullback.
Everyone finds a way because everyone scores against the Germans - an unlikely scenario in decades past.
Despite just three clean sheets in 13 games since the start of 2020, there was some cause for quiet optimism in the German camp ahead of the Euros.
Mats Hummels was back in the fold. Matthias Ginter, at 27, should be approaching his prime and is a tournament veteran, having been part of Germany's World Cup and Confederation Cup-winning sides of 2014 and 2017, as well as the team that won silver at the 2016 Olympics.
Antonio Ruediger was riding high on his Champions League triumph at Chelsea and savouring a career peak in form.
Arguably, there were more question marks about lopsided attackers that were too old (Thomas Mueller), too inexperienced (Kai Havertz) or too erratic (Leroy Sane).
The back three were supposedly less of an issue. And they enjoyed gifted support from Joshua Kimmich and Robin Gosens, an early star of the tournament.
Ruediger, Hummels and Ginter have somehow transformed from three seasoned defenders to three strangers trapped in a broken lift, struggling to make small talk and waiting to be rescued.
Toni Kroos isn't that rescuer. He went missing for one of Hungary's goals, nipping out the back door before the penalty box scene turned really ugly.
Meanwhile, Ilkay Guendogan, having spent most of the season playing a stand-in Kevin de Bruyne for Manchester City, doesn't seem overly keen on playing a stand-in Declan Rice for Germany.
England manager Gareth Southgate faces criticism for persevering with an overly cautious defensive plan, insisting on a double pivot, whatever the opposition. Loew doesn't even have a single pivot. Against Hungary, he didn't have much of a plan, either.
Having been worryingly out-thought, Loew turned a Euro 2020 decider into a school playground free-for-all, throwing on four attackers and essentially playing pin the pinata with Hungary's goal, jabbing away in the hope that something might stick.
He got lucky with six minutes to spare, but Hungary's otherwise successful and rather straightforward strategy won't have gone unnoticed in the England camp.
Southgate's fall-back position is to essentially fall back into position. Hungary's back five did something similar, squeezing Germany's forwards, isolating Kimmich and Gosens and targeting the vulnerable three at the back.
With three clean sheets in three, England are equipped for the same task against the Germans, leaving Loew in a unique position.
He's an underdog. The Germans are underdogs against England, a preposterous proposition in the past, but one that's entirely in keeping with this strange, knockabout tournament.
Loew must persuade either Kroos or Guendogan to play babysitter for the comedy trio behind or defer to his ramshackle gang of attackers and hope they outscore the English in a madcap contest, which all sounds deliriously entertaining.
Of all the roles the Germans were expected to play at Euro 2020, court jesters were probably not among them.
Six goals scored, five goals conceded, bottom of the table one minute, second the next, Loew's clowns have captivated in a way that few anticipated.
But, if he doesn't fix that defence in the next four days, the joke will be on him.
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