Man, U Glazers love the cash
These baseball lovers should earn their money at United
When I grow up, I want to be one of the Glazers.
They are like the Kardashians, but with less hair and more debts.
Despite wasting more money than Donald Trump's hairdresser, the six children of the late Malcolm Glazer will be paid £15 million ($32.6m) every year by Manchester United.
That's a lot of money to do absolutely nothing at Old Trafford. No one's seen anything quite like it since Anderson left.
United announced last week that it will pay a dividend to shareholders and, as majority shareholders, the Glazer clan will be paid £2.5m each per year.
That's the family's reward for taking the world's most profitable sports franchise and saddling it with a level of wastage usually associated with Brendan Rodgers at Liverpool.
The Glazers bought United with £525m of borrowed money in 2005 and the debt remains around £411m, despite the club already forking out £700m in interest.
The puppets do better sums on Sesame Street.
Still, one of the reasons for the healthy dividend is the "healthy" state of the club's finances.
That's according to Ed Woodward, United's vice-chairman, who is probably preparing a double swoop for Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo as we speak.
Of course, he'll end up spending £60m on an unknown French kid because the boy can do 10 keepy-uppies.
Woodward hinted that the payouts could be justified because United's steady financial footing allowed the club to withstand "short-term headwinds".
Just to reiterate, in the last financial year, United missed out on the Champions League and delivered football for insomniacs. With financial advisers like Woodward, who needs a recession?
He insisted that all was well after a "productive summer" that involved Louis van Gaal missing out on most of his pre-season transfer targets and overpaying on the rest, but that's unlikely to mean much to United's American owners.
It's worth wondering how much Avram, Joel, Kevin, Bryan and Edward Glazer, along with sister Darcie Glazer Kassewitz, actually know about their new signings.
Van Gaal bought Matteo Darmian, Memphis Depay, Anthony Martial, Sergio Romero, Morgan Schneiderlin and Bastian Schweinsteiger but, if he'd told them he'd signed John, Paul, George and Ringo and Bert and Ernie, would they be any the wiser?
Should there not be at least a token attempt to earn the annual £2.5m payday? Maybe they could take a United exam, to test their knowledge of the historic club. Something simple like, "which of the following names are not United players? Daley Blind or the Daily Mail?".
If that test proves too tricky - remember, the Glazers were raised on a sport that involves bats, balls, pitches, plates and games that seem to last seven years - the test could be simplified to incorporate American pop culture.
Something like, "which of the following were not a member of the Jackson 5? Jackie, Tito, Jermaine, Michael or Marouane Fellaini?".
Of course, there are other subtle tests of one's devotion. They could learn the team song. United's players run out to the theme from Rocky, which goes, "der der der der, der der der, der der der" repeatedly, so that shouldn't take too long.
That said, it allegedly took Wayne Rooney a fortnight to learn the words.
But it's no laughing matter when Darcie Glazer Kassewitz is likely to pick up more money from United this season than Sergio Romero.
Some might say that's fair. But diehard supporters will still question the multi-million pound payouts to people who contribute nothing to the team's performance. Even Tottenham got rid of Emmanuel Adebayor in the end.
Naturally, Woodward was on hand to allay any concerns, presumably after negotiating a January swop deal involving Gareth Bale and James Wilson.
"We are enthusiastic about our strong position, both on and off the pitch," Woodward said.
Clearly, he didn't watch United's Champions League clash against PSV Eindhoven in midweek. But then, it was hard to stay awake after the first 15 minutes.
The Glazers could probably be forgiven for not turning up for that particular game.
No one in the first team did either.