Neil Humphreys: And the EPL Wacky Award goes to…
It's that time of the year again. Actually, it's never been this time of the year before. The English Premier League season has been going on for so long that David Luiz has managed to go from good to rubbish to good again. But, as the campaign finally ends, our columnist gives out his priceless EPL Wacky Awards.
THE MOTHER TERESA AWARD FOR SAINTLINESS: MARCUS RASHFORD
When Rashford heads out for matches now, he checks if his shin pads, socks and halo are all in place.
The saint of Old Trafford made British Prime Minister Boris Johnson pull off a Cruyff-like turn and provide food vouchers for some of England's poorest families during Covid-19. Rashford improved the lives of thousands of kids, but he can't improve the life of David de Gea.
He might be a saint, but he's not that clever.
THE YETI AWARD FOR BEST LOCKDOWN HAIR: ROY HODGSON
Before the EPL was suspended, the Crystal Palace manager had his usual short, back and sides. He returned looking like a Marilyn Monroe drag act.
Palace then embarked on the worst losing streak of Project Restart, which was hardly surprising considering their manager looked like candy floss.
THE SNOW WHITE AWARD FOR DOING NOTHING: MESUT OEZIL
Everyone remembers that classic tale about a lost soul hanging around while the little people went out to work.
The Snow White story isn't bad either.
Apparently, one of the reasons Arsenal didn't opt for cardboard cutouts in the stands was because they already had one in Oezil.
THE GEORGE BEST AWARD FOR A QUIET NIGHT IN: KYLE WALKER
During the coronavirus lockdown, the Manchester City fullback hosted a party with sex workers, just a day after he told fans to isolate, which is like an arsonist telling people not to play with matches.
Walker insisted that he managed to stand a metre away from the sex workers, which suggests he was either restrained or just really pleased to see them.
THE ZOUK AWARD FOR BEST COVID-19 ATMOSPHERE: WEST HAM UNITED
Apparently, the volume inside the vast soulless husk of London Stadium actually improved when it was empty.
There is a rumour that the Hammers want to keep the pumped-in crowd noise for next season. It's louder.
THE NEO-NAZI AWARD FOR DUMMIES: THE BURNLEY BANNER
When Project Restart kicked off, a gaggle of Burnley supporters clubbed together to pay for a plane banner that read "White Lives Matter Burnley".
It would've been easier had they just clubbed each other.
But the banner stunned the world.
First, the fans had enough money to pay for the banner.
And second, they could spell "White Lives Matter".
THE HARRY HOUDINI ACT OF ESCAPOLOGY: VAR
Before the lockdown, the men behind the video assistant referee (VAR) were less popular than a non-white person in Burnley's town centre.
But Covid-19 happened and VAR was forgotten.
There was talk of reassigning VAR officials to assess the lines outside shopping malls, but they weren't allowed to shove rulers under shoppers' armpits.
THE NICOLAS CAGE AWARD FOR WORKING WITH RUBBISH: HARRY KANE
Just think about Cage's Hollywood career. He's an Oscar-winning actor with undoubted talent.
But he works with mediocrity. He won't get on the biggest stage.
Hang on, that's Kane, what were we saying about Cage? Oh yes, he continues to work on low-budget projects with guys with funny accents. Hang on, that's still Kane.
THE UPSIDE DOWN ROBIN HOOD AWARD: MANCHESTER CITY
Robin Hood took from the rich and gave to the poor. City took from the rich and gave to the rich.
Hood stood up for the common man in the face of tyranny. City stood up for the Champions League with the faces of really expensive lawyers.
Yes, this is a childish comparison.
Robin Hood is a myth - just like financial fair play.
THE DONALD TRUMP AWARD FOR MODESTY: OLE GUNNAR SOLSKJAER
The Manchester United manager now demands respect for qualifying for the Champions League with the second most expensive squad in world football, which is like the Kardashians demanding respect for spending the most money in Beverly Hills.
Still, Solskjaer was so impressed with Trump's intellectual ability to memorise "person, woman, man, camera, TV" that he now keeps repeating, "European, man, camera, TV, money," in the hope that it saves his job.
THE FINDING DORY AWARD FOR MEMORY LOSS - FRANK LAMPARD
Dory and Lampard cannot remember their past. The Chelsea manager blasted Liverpool's coaches for over-celebrating the Reds' title win.
A year ago, Lampard performed his own one-man conga after winning a Championship play-off clash with Derby County. Should Chelsea win this weekend's FA Cup final, he may strip naked and sing "Blue is the Colour," which might literally be true if it's a cold day.
THE DISNEY AWARD FOR HAPPY ENDINGS: LIVERPOOL
Juergen Klopp's humble Reds gave us a resounding finale after Covid-19.
Well done. Now, please, bring back Loris Karius. Or sign David Luiz. Or get Neil Ruddock and the Spice Boys out of retirement and let them organise a party with Walker.
Do something to end the gushing sentimentality or the Reds are at risk of becoming the James Milner of football clubs.
Thanks for the uplifting memories and all that.
But, for the sake of this column, at least consider the return of Hodgson and his candy floss hair.
Get The New Paper on your phone with the free TNP app. Download from the Apple App Store or Google Play Store now
