Neil Humphreys: And the EPL Wacky Awards go to…
Now that the season is done and dusted, NEIL HUMPHREYS, with tongue in cheek, picks his 'winners'
THE THANOS AWARD FOR MAKING PLAYERS DISAPPEAR - MANCHESTER UNITED
In the Avengers movies, Thanos took that Infinity Gauntlet and half the universe vanished.
At Old Trafford, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer took the United job and half his squad vanished.
They must be out there, somewhere, in an alternate space-time continuum and presumably doing radical, mind-bending things - like beating Cardiff.
But in our time, they've turned to dust. That might not be a bad thing for United fans, considering that Solskjaer is planning a clear-out anyway.
Apparently, the Avengers were contacted and asked if they'd consider bringing United back from the dead.
They said they could save universes, but they weren't miracle workers.
THE DONALD TRUMP AWARD FOR MAKING THE IMPOSSIBLE POSSIBLE - VINCENT KOMPANY
The world looked at him, making his run, preparing his bid for immortality and the world screamed: "For the sake of humanity, don't do it. Don't run. You're not qualified for the job. You can't win."
And the world said much the same about Donald Trump's run for the American Presidency.
On a football pitch, even Sergio Aguero was telling Vincent Kompany not to shoot against Leicester City.
The last time Kompany took a shot outside the box, Manchester United were still a good team. That's how long ago it was, 2013, a lifetime ago.
But Kompany took a chance and reached immortality. Now he wants to shoot something at every opportunity, again a similarity he shares with Donald Trump.
THE PUNDIT'S AWARD FOR PREMATURE EXHILARATION - RIO FERDINAND
Ole's at the wheel! That's what Rio Ferdinand screamed in the studio.
His old kaki, Solskjaer, was at the wheel, presumably inside a kindergarten toy car or whatever else Ferdinand was imagining.
United had just defeated Paris Saint-Germain and Solskjaer was about to be appointed full-time manager so Ferdinand looked like Nostradamus.
Now, Solskjaer looks like he's at the wheel of the Titanic. Let's face it, if he were at the wheel of your taxi, you'd get out and take the MRT.
THE KIASU AWARD FOR MOST ANNOYING PROPERTY AGENT - TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR
There's always that one property agent who pushes the sales pitch too far.
The one who says: "Yes, the apartment's small but you can multi-task while frying bee hoon".
Well, that property agent is Tottenham Hotspur.
All season long, it's been one tedious stadium sales pitch after another.
"Yes, the stadium delays go back to the death of the dinosaurs, but we're got a cheese room!... Our seats are expensive, but they'll be heated, so you'll no longer have to expel hot air to stay warm!"
In fairness, the new stadium does boast the longest bar in the UK, with its 86.8-metre length. But United's staff can't use it. Their players don't run that far.
THE ANTI-SCOUSER AWARD FOR MOST TEDIOUS TERM - BOTTLER/CHOKER
In football discussion, there are certain linguistic laws that we must accept. Any mention of "determination", for instance, must be followed with "desire".
And if you're playing football cliche bingo, determination, desire, spirit and commitment generally gives you a full house.
But this season's fashionable terminology surrounded Liverpool. They were "bottlers". They were chokers.
Around Easter, every Liverpool reference had to include bottlers, chokers and Steven Gerrard's slippers (what he did in 2014, not what he wears on his feet).
It became a subliminal word association game. Liverpool? Bottlers! Liverpool? Chokers! Liverpool? Steven Gerrard and his slippers!
The fact that the Reds were none of these things only made the game more fun.
Oh, and if the Rangers gig doesn't work out, Steven Gerrard and his Slippers is a great name for a country and western band.
THE NEANDERTHAL AWARD FOR THE GAME'S REAL CAVEMEN - UNITED FANS
After United's final game of the season, a sizeable section of their supporters viciously abused Paul Pogba.
That's the Paul Pogba with the most goals and assists for United this season, the most he's had in any season.
Such fans shouldn't be trusted with players like Pogba. But then, such fans shouldn't be trusted with soft toilet paper.
THE CHARLIE SHEEN AWARD FOR POOR HEALTH - MAURIZIO SARRI
The Italian took Chelsea to third place and the Europa League final, but he sounds like Jabba the Hutt.
If his nicotine-soaked throat sounded any more gravelly, he'd spit out pebbles in press conferences.
Sarri doesn't want the Europa League final to go to penalties. He can't wait that long for a cigarette.
THE ROALD DAHL AWARD FOR GIBBERISH - ALL VAR TALK
All season long, we endured variations on the same comment…
If the EPL had VAR, that would've been a red card. If we had VAR, that goal would've been ruled offside.
The EPL didn't have VAR. And yet pundits and managers bleated on, game after game, effectively making less sense than saying, "If the world was flat, we'd all fall off it every time we got drunk".
But it isn't, so move on. Let's look forward to next season, when the EPL does have VAR and then the same folks can say: "If we didn't have VAR, then that goal would've been given."
That's the insanity of the EPL. That's why we love it.
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