Neil Humphreys: EPL clubs' wish-list for Santa
Santa Claus is coming and, with tongue in cheek, our humour columnist NEIL HUMPHREYS looks at what presents each EPL club could do with
It's that jolly time of the year again, when managers are sacked, footballers are abused and supporters go nuts on Arsenal TV.
It's Christmas, a time for giving gifts, something that Stoke defenders do every week.
Since we're getting into the festive spirit, here's an English Premier League wish-list for Santa.
For Manchester City - An injury crisis
TV audiences haven't witnessed this much one-sided bullying since Donald Trump threatened Hillary Clinton in the US Presidential debates.
So a couple of injuries would bring festive cheer to the rest of the EPL. Nothing too serious, just a David Silva ingrown toenail or something.
Once their rivals have closed the gap, Silva can have his toenail back.
For Kevin de Bruyne - Tickets to see Murder on the Orient Express.
There hasn't been a Belgian this popular since Hercule Poirot.
For Jose Mourinho - A sense of humour
The Manchester United manager once called himself "the happy one".
He now looks like the constipated one. It's hard to tell if that pained expression is the result of City's brilliance or a lack of fibre in his diet.
If Mourinho lost his car keys, he'd blame City's players for cheating. He makes Kylo Ren look like Coco the Clown.
He needs to cheer up a bit. It is rumoured that there are other folks who smile less than Mourinho, but they're all on Death Row.
For Paul Pogba - A map and compass
He's ended up on the wrong side of Manchester.
For Tottenham Hotspur - A Missing Person's form
We can help the club fill in the form now… Surname: Alli… First name: Dele… Last seen: Sometime in May… Occupation: Not sure.
For Arsenal - a Time Machine
The Gunners can return to 2004, when they were last relevant.
For Theo Walcott - Bitcoins
One is frequently in the news, thanks to far too much hype and a ridiculously inflated valuation. And the other is a bitcoin.
The general public is still not sure what either Walcott or a bitcoin does. And most sensible people have no intention of buying either one.
For Daniel Sturridge - A photo of a penalty box
The Liverpool striker hasn't seen one for a while.
For Chelsea - Nemanja Matic
Once in a while, an idiot pops up in a trashy magazine to tell the world that he once dated a celebrity before she was famous.
We've all read the headlines… "I Kissed Beyonce Before She Put a Ring On It", "I Once Marvel-ed At Scarlett Johansson" and so on.
Of course, the guy doing the bragging is still single and is far too old to be living with his grandparents.
That's Antonio Conte. He can only reminisce about his time with a sexy defensive midfielder, before his old flame ended up with a rival suitor.
The Blues could certainly use Matic in their midfield now. But there's more chance of them signing Scarlett Johansson.
For Everton, West Ham and West Brom - a Jurassic World DVD
It'll make new managers Sam Allardyce, David Moyes and Alan Pardew feel right at home.
For Everton fans - A neck brace
The ball will spend a lot of time in the air.
For West Brom fans - a blindfold
Just in case Pardew starts dancing again.
For West Ham - a stadium atmosphere
The London Stadium has less atmosphere than a dentist's waiting room.
Perhaps that's a little harsh on West Ham's drab arena. Dentists' waiting rooms have dentists. They plug gaps.
The London Stadium has Andy Carroll. He doesn't.
For Newcastle United - An eBay account
They might sell the club a bit faster.
For Stoke manager Mark Hughes - Tickets to see Star Wars: The Last Jedi
According to reviews, it's a story about a grizzled, middle-aged man who refuses to change his ways.
He's stuck in a godforsaken place, which is cold, remote and always raining.
I've no idea what The Last Jedi is about.
For Wayne Rooney - Uber vouchers
He won't be driving for a while.
For the next Swansea manager - Santa's job
At least Santa gets the sack only once a year.