Neil Humphreys: Forget United, it's Hammer Time
West Ham out-spend Red Devils in daft market
English football has gone mad. The Three Lions reached the final four of the World Cup, every Englishman now lives in a Gareth Southgate waistcoat and West Ham are out-spending the Red Devils.
Honestly, the thought of a former Manchester City manager taking charge of the Hammers and spending more money than Manchester United almost defies belief.
Under new boss Manuel Pellegrini, West Ham have spent £100 million (S$178.22m) - more than the Red Devils so far - and they aren't done yet.
Seven players have already joined the ranks. Uruguayan left wing-back Diego Laxalt, a breakout star at the World Cup, is next in line for around £18 million.
A striker is also on the shopping list to compensate for the pony-tailed sick note known as Andy Carroll.
What the hell is going on?
Just three months ago, West Ham were like England, reassuringly rubbish. Their manager David Moyes was possibly going to be relegated and almost certainly sacked and Pellegrini was in China pondering a golden retirement.
Nobody saw this coming, not on the surface at least. Dig a little deeper, however, and the haggard faces of the two Davids reveal themselves.
West Ham owners David Gold and David Sullivan cannot suffer another season of relentless despair.
Moyes kept the Hammers up last season, which is rather like Donald Trump not humiliating his own country. It's an achievement of sorts, but surely sights could be set a little higher.
Moyes' muddled fare on the pitch only exacerbated the problems off it. Fans had literally bought into a lie.
Their season tickets at a 60,000-seater rental property would supposedly lead to regular crusades towards the top four, not tiresome tiptoeing around the relegation trapdoor.
After a season of protests, West Ham supporters won't tolerate another year in the wilderness.
Besides, the owners need West Ham to be an attractive proposition for potential buyers, which remains the long-term goal. There is reported interest from the United States, so they have little choice but to invest in a depleted squad.
Attacking midfielder Felipe Anderson is the obvious pick of the bunch. Signed from Lazio for a club-record fee of £42m (with add-ons), the Brazilian offers consistency and regular goals. In five years at Lazio, the 25-year-old scored 34 goals in 177 appearances.
Ordinarily, players of his calibre favour the other, bigger United in Manchester, not the nondescript mob in East London. It's a real transfer coup for Pellegrini.
Indeed the Chilean might retain the retro appearance of an ageing crooner from the '70s, but he still has a certain cachet in the transfer market.
He won the English Premier League title in 2014, which was a major draw to Jack Wilshere, a boyhood Hammers fan who finds himself at a career crossroads.
On his day, the 26-year-old midfielder boasts a passing range that was notable for its absence in England's saunter to the semi-finals.
The trouble is he has more off days than an AWOL employee. As a free transfer, he's a low-risk gamble.
Andriy Yarmolenko, on the other hand, promises to be a sly capture. By his own admission, the Ukrainian winger endured a lacklustre season at Borussia Dortmund, but he has the required attributes.
French centre-back Issa Diop also looks an astute acquisition. He's only 21 with vast potential. Fabian Balbuena could slot in alongside him, with goalkeeper Lukasz Fabianski and fullback Ryan Fredericks providing cover.
Seven signings in, £100 million out, these are numbers typically associated with trophy contenders and the two Davids have three more weeks to bolster the ranks.
They are desperate to avoid the ownership and financial wrangles that continue to destabilise clubs like Newcastle and Aston Villa.
If they finish in the top 10, job done.
But if they can also catch the eye of an eager billionaire, they'll hit the jackpot.
- Catch Neil Humphreys as he gives his satirical take on life and football every Saturday, from 10am to 12 noon, on Money FM 89.3.
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