Neil Humphreys: Get used to average EPL football post-lockdown
Don't adjust TV, adjust your expectations in a post-lockdown era
Your word for the day is "rusty". Use it after every English Premier League game for the foreseeable future.
Project Restart has morphed into an episode of Sesame Street. Each match gives the audience a number to learn (usually how many games Liverpool require to win the title) and a word (rusty, always rusty).
Like the Titanic resting at the bottom of the Atlantic, everything is corroded. Liverpool are rusty. Everton are rusty. Tottenham Hotspur, Sheffield United, Arsenal and West Ham United are all rusty (though in the Hammers' case, it's hard to recall a time when they were not decayed and deficient).
After a three-month postponement followed by a hasty return to business, the rustiness was inevitable. With the exception of Chelsea's win at Aston Villa, every other game has fallen below expectations.
But were those expectations too high? In our eagerness to return to a semblance of normality - when the current situation is anything but - are we guilty of viewing matches through rose-tinted glasses?
By any pre-coronavirus yardstick, EPL fixtures have been slower, more sedate and sometimes less enthralling than a mahjong session between studious aunties at the local community club.
But if the contests are viewed through a post-coronavirus prism, then they are little short of miraculous. The onus is on the audience to adjust expectations, rather than on the players to lift an impossible bar.
Of course, the games are going to be tentative, cautious and occasionally flatter than yesterday's prata.
After 11 matches, the EPL had seen only two goals scored in the opening 25 minutes and both came in the same game. Crystal Palace were 2-0 up against Bournemouth by the 23rd minute.
In Project Restart, the hare is obsolete. The tortoise is going to win most races.
Chelsea waited until the hour mark to launch their recovery at Villa Park. Everton almost pinched the Merseyside Derby in the 80th minute, when Tom Davies clipped a post.
Until yesterday, the split between goals in the first and second halves was 22-78 per cent.
That trend is unlikely to change as managers rotate squads and utilise their five substitutes to complete 92 games in six weeks, in the sunshine, with players that are - all together now - rusty. They may also feel heavier in the heat.
According to ESPN, the average player must intake around 3,000 calories on a training day and 3,700 calories on a match day. To play through an English summer, the figure needs to hit at least 4,000 calories a day.
Carbohydrates must also increase on match days, along with the protein intake either side of games to facilitate muscle repair.
As a result, games are literally being built in their players' image: sluggish and sweaty. And they must be built three times a week through England's hottest month of the year. Footballers may get fitter. They may not necessarily get faster.
MISSING FANS' ENERGY
Naturally, this is a concern for any side that bows at the altar of speed, intuitive attacking and vocal intensity. Liverpool struggled in all three areas in a drab Merseyside Derby, supporting the idea that Project Restart was the Reds' enemy.
Virgil van Dijk refused to entertain such simplistic thinking and manager Juergen Klopp focused on the positives of simply being back inside a stadium, even if it happens to be empty.
While it's true that Merseyside Derbies rarely live up to the hype and Liverpool's nippy interplay had slowed before the postponement, the Reds thrive on their symbiotic relationship with supporters.
Klopp's gegenpressing feeds off the crowd's energy and the touchline conductor has made stringent demands of his Anfield orchestra. His clowning masks a coach acting as a conduit between players and punters.
In his 4½ years at the club, the German has been unique in his ability to turn up the volume and silence the opposition. The Reds' 4-0 win against Barcelona exemplified the unique alchemy of Anfield.
But that's gone now. Liverpool will not be the same and there's little point in pretending otherwise.
Even Jordan Henderson's fascinating and endless call to action on the pitch, berating and demanding more of his team-mates at Goodison Park, could not compensate for an empty stadium.
The Merseyside Derby was a glorified training session and the Reds' characteristic slickness is unlikely to return this season.
With the exception of those battling relegation, teams are preoccupied with completing their TV fixture obligations and getting through Project Restart with as few injuries as possible.
Maybe our ambitions should be recalibrated accordingly.
Average games are probably here to stay, but they will always be more entertaining than no games at all.
WHAT IT MEANS FOR REDS
Liverpool need 5 more points to seal the title. But if Burnley denied Man City a win this morning (S'pore time), the Reds could secure it against Crystal Palace on Thursday morning. If the top two both win, the Reds could still be champions on Friday morning, if City don't beat Chelsea.
Get The New Paper on your phone with the free TNP app. Download from the Apple App Store or Google Play Store now
