Neil Humphreys: Hair, there and everywhere
Our columnist NEIL HUMPHREYS is amused by the hairdo of some World Cup footballers - such as Neymar's cup-noodle look
Now that all 32 nations have played their first World Cup game, there is only one question on everyone's lips.
Where the hell did Neymar get his hair cut?
Fortunately, I've popped into the official World Cup hairdressers, where all the stars are going for a wash and blow and dry and recorded the following conversation.
Official World Cup hairdresser: Morning, Neymar. What would you like today?
Neymar: A bowl of pasta.
Hairdresser: You want to load up on carbs?
Neymar: No, I want it on my head.
Hairdresser: You want me to throw spaghetti at you? Neymar, I know you're a bit kinky. But this is a family business and …
Neymar: You don't understand. Let me show you what I want.
Hairdresser: Is it a photo of a famous actor?
Neymar: No, it's cup noodles.
Hairdresser: You want your entire head to look like instant noodles?
Neymar: Don't be ridiculous, man… Just the front bit.
Alex Witsel: Hey, never mind Neymar, how much longer must I keep my hair under this steamer?
Hairdresser: Look Mr Fancy Belgian Midfielder, you need at least half an hour under the hair steamer.
Witsel: Why? I want my hair all shaved off.
Hairdresser: But Michael Jackson wasn't bald.
Witsel: Not Jackson, Jordan! I said I wanted hair like Michael Jordan!
Hairdresser: Oh, dear, I'd better remove the hair steamer then.
Witsel: I've got an afro! I wanted a shaved head like Jordan and you've given me an afro. What could I possibly do with a huge afro in 2018?
Hairdresser: Er, get some work as a Michael Jackson impersonator.
Neymar: Hey, look at you, Witsel. Give us a bit of Billie Jean.
Witsel: Shut your face, noodle head.
Keisuke Honda: Er, sorry to interrupt, is this the place for silly World Cup haircuts?
Hairdresser: That depends on how silly you want it. What did you fancy?
Honda: I'm a Japanese man and I want to be more blond than Paris Hilton.
Hairdresser: Then, you've come to the right place. Go sit in the silly corner with Switzerland's Valon Behrami, Belgium's Dries Mertens and Germany's Jerome Boateng.
Behrami: Hello, I'm Valon. Do you like my blond hair? I want to look like I've been painting the ceiling all day.
Honda: Me too. I want ceiling painter with a dash of Paris Hilton so that, from a certain angle, I look like Elton John.
Mertens: Sounds great. Oh, I'm Dries by the way. I've got frosted tips.
Honda: Ooh, I'm sorry to hear that. Have you seen a doctor? How did you get a frosted tip? Was it from that seedy Russian bar with the pole dancers with the big …
Mertens: Tips! In my hair! I've got frosted tips in my hair!
Honda: Oh, I see. And what about you Jerome?
Boateng: I'm going for a light blue, purple touch on the top of my head. It's patriotic. It makes me think of home.
Honda: But there's no purple in the German flag.
Boateng: No, I grew up watching the Teletubbies.
Hairdresser: You certainly played like a Teletubbie against Mexico. Who were you? Dipsy?
Boateng: Don't talk nonsense. We are professionals. Of course I didn't play like Dipsy against Mexico. I played like Tinky Winky against Mexico. He's purple. Mats Hummels played like Dipsy. Sami Khedira played like Laa-Laa. She's always getting lost.
Hairdresser: Jerome, why are you talking about the Teletubbies?
Boateng: It takes my mind off the Mexican embarrassment.
Mertens: You should take your mind off that haircut. It looks like a blueberry candy floss has stuck to your head.
Boateng: At least, I haven't got frosted tips.
Harry Kane: Excuse me, sorry to interrupt your discussion. Is this the place for regular haircuts?
Hairdresser: And you are?
Kane: The name's Kane, Harry Kane. Licensed to kill defenders and bore you to death in press conferences. I would like a very sensible haircut, please.
Hairdresser: Ah, you need to go to Boring World Cup Haircuts next door. Gareth Southgate is in there now having a trim.
Neymar: Yes, yes, that's all very interesting, guys, but you've forgotten about me.
Hairdresser: Look, Neymar. You might be a Brazilian superstar. But I'm not turning your head into something that Singaporeans fill their suitcases with whenever they go on holiday because they're too cheap to order from the hotel menu.
Neymar: Teabags?
Hairdresser: No, instant noodles! Get a grip, man!
Neymar: I must have a new look at every World Cup, not just for the tournament, but for the sponsorship opportunities.
Hairdresser: Who with?
Neymar: Maggi Mee.
Hairdresser: Get in the chair. I can't believe I'm giving a Brazilian such a ridiculous hairstyle.
Neymar: You wouldn't give yourself a hairstyle like this?
Hairdresser: I'd rather give myself a Brazilian.
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