Neil Humphreys: Jose loves giving the fingers
Mourinho's feisty press conference made headlines, but here's what he said after the cameras stopped rolling
Mourinho: How many fingers am I holding up?
Journalist: Two.
Mourinho: Oh, yes, that's meant for the media… Now, how many fingers am I holding up?
Journalist: Er, three.
Mourinho: Correct. And do you know why?
Journalist: Ander Herrera cried three times in the dressing room?
Mourinho: Don't be ridiculous. We're still trying to find him. He went missing after kick-off and hasn't been seen since.
Journalist: Was three the number of fans left in the stadium at the final whistle?
Mourinho: You see that's the problem. No respect. That's all I'm asking for, just a little respect. You should pay tribute.
Journalist: To Aretha Franklin?
Mourinho: No, to me. Did Aretha Franklin win three EPL titles?
Journalist: No, she championed civil rights, sang at Barack Obama's inauguration and never played Herrera at centre-back.
Mourinho: That was genius tactics. I won the tactics against Tottenham. In this moment, my tactics were perfect. I beat Mauricio Pochettino in the tactics.
Journalist: You lost 3-0 at home to Tottenham. It's the worst start for United in decades. You signed two centre-backs for £60 million, but played a midfielder in central defence. Your formation looked like a 3-2-3-1-1 Christmas pudding.
Mourinho: But the fans stayed behind to applaud me, all 75,000 of them.
Journalist: The stadium was almost empty, Jose.
Mourinho: All right, 750 of them stayed behind to applaud me.
Journalist: They were United tourists. The ones who take selfies.
Mourinho: They are the smartest football fans in the world. I clapped them for five minutes. Did you see my clapping? I won the clapping. Pochettino doesn't clap as well as me.
Journalist: Jose, do you think you're in the right frame of mind to manage United?
Mourinho: My mind is perfect. When I go home, I can relax.
Journalist: You've lived in a Manchester hotel for two years.
Mourinho: Have I? I did think the woman changing my bed wasn't my wife... How many fingers am I holding up?
Journalist: Oh, for heaven's sake…Three!
Mourinho: That's how many titles I have. The other 19 managers have only two between them. That means I am 19 times better than the other managers.
Journalist: Your maths doesn't even make sense! Besides, one of those managers is Manuel Pellegrini. He's winless after three games, leading West Ham towards oblivion and still sporting a hairstyle not seen since 1970s porn.
Mourinho: I'm not interested in the porn you watch. I'm only interested in the future. And I have won three EPL titles.
Journalist: But that was in the past.
Mourinho: Ah, you're trying to trick me again. You should be talking about Luke Shaw's transformation. Last season, he was 50kg overweight and living in a kebab stall.
Journalist: No, he wasn't!
Mourinho: He was. I found him, in the gutter, eating leftover curries. I made him lose weight and look at him now. Even at 3-0, he was running towards the byeline like he used to run towards the fish and chip shop.
Journalist: But he was one player. What about the rest?
Mourinho: They gave me passion and energy. We won the passion and energy against Tottenham. It's not my fault I don't get enough money to spend.
Journalist: Since you took over, United have spent £382.5m and recouped £80.5m. Your net spend is £302m. Spurs didn't spend a penny in the summer.
Mourinho: They work with smart football people. I have to work with a munchkin. Ed Woodward. Sending him to the transfer market is like sending Marouane Fellaini to the hairdressers. A waste of time.
Journalist: But he fears that your tactics and transfer targets are becoming outdated.
Mourinho: Nonsense. I gave him a sensible shopping list of players - John Terry, Ricardo Carvalho, Ashley Cole and Deco.
Journalist: Those players are not active in elite football any more.
Mourinho: Well, one of my playing targets is most certainly still active, but Frank Lampard chose to take the Derby manager's job instead.
Journalist: Look, Jose, do you think your United job is safe?
Mourinho: Never mind that. How many fingers am I holding up now?
Journalist: Oh for... One! The middle one! Is that because you're the Special One?
Mourinho: No, it's my message to Ed Woodward.
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