Neil Humphreys: Rooney recall is only about the money
Cheap England gimmick puts bums on Wembley seats
The English love a bit of manufactured rage. Not real rage, you understand, the kind that might involve Brexit and possible economic Armageddon, but the fake stuff that involves Wayne Rooney making a five-minute cameo.
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His upcoming game of peekaboo in the Disney exhibition between England and the United States at Wembley tomorrow morning (Singapore time) is a chance for some proper, vein-bulging ranting.
It's like Christmas has come early. The latest trivial outrage involves the Three Lions (tick one box in the angry column), a dodgy selection (tick another box) and Rooney himself (tick every other box).
National legends Peter Shilton and Stuart Pearce are furious, claiming Rooney's selection devalues the England cap. National legend Gary Neville is furious that Shilton and Pearce are furious, or mildly perturbed at least. And everyone else is just furious - and missing the point.
The pro-Rooney mob that claims he deserves a fitting send-off in his 120th and final appearance are wasting just as much energy as the anti-Rooney brigade insisting that his cap should go to a promising youngster instead.
Both camps are making the false assumption that his recall has anything to do with football.
Rooney's return to the England squad, a ludicrous 734 days after his last appearance, serves the same master as the Manchester City accountants allegedly dribbling the books around the Financial Fair Play Rules.
Money.
It's always about money, which is hardly a revelation. What's more galling are the knot-tying efforts to convince the gullible public otherwise.
England manager Gareth Southgate essentially ushered Rooney towards retirement after the forward's last appearance in November 2016, insisting that youth was the way forward. No longer would England succumb to the cult of celebrity and pick fading superstars long after their sell-by dates.
At no point since has Southgate even hinted that retired legends should be rewarded with a tokenistic send-off in a full international friendly.
And then, in a turnaround to rival a Brexit politician, Southgate suddenly championed the initiative, citing Germany's farewell of Lukas Podolski last year as an example of England's new order. More tellingly, he added that "circumstances have allowed us" to pick Rooney.
So circumstances have selected the 33-year-old, rather than Southgate. And those circumstances were almost certainly financial.
Yesterday, the FA announced that more than 20,000 tickets had been sold since Rooney's return was confirmed.
Before then, punters hadn't been particularly interested in an inconsequential friendly on a cold, November night between unheralded young Englishmen and unheard-of Americans.
And that's fine. The English Football Association's job is to put bums on seats and the Rooney gimmick worked in that regard, pitting the DC United striker against his current country of occupation. It's just rather insulting to suggest otherwise.
Indeed, why stop there? Why not bring back David Beckham to face the French? Perhaps Steve McManaman could take on Spain or Gary Lineker could be coaxed back for a fleeting appearance against Japan.
The opportunities are endless and also rather pointless.
No matter how much game time Rooney gets at Wembley, the image of a 33-year-old dashing around against much younger men can only be a poignant one, a reminder of the English bulldog who terrorised defences at Euro 2004.
After England's euphoric high at Russia 2018, Rooney's presence will drag the memory back to past disappointments and long forgotten footnotes.
He scored only one goal across three World Cups, a statistic that perhaps underlines the Golden Generation's decade of tournament failures.
So the English FA, Rooney and their press departments are focusing on the charitable aspects of the friendly instead, which has been billed as The Wayne Rooney Foundation International. Rooney's charity raises huge revenues for disadvantaged children, a wonderful organisation, but the English FA is not sharing gate receipts with the foundation.
According to reports, fans will be encouraged to drop cash into buckets outside the stadium, a laudable exercise that could be carried out whether Rooney plays or not.
Either way, it's a win-win for match organisers, who'll now get a bumper crowd, a celebrity cameo and a week's worth of intense debate and publicity for a meaningless kickabout while looking like caring corporate citizens. And the Wembley crowd can pay to say goodbye to Rooney, twice, if they give generously to the buckets.
There are no real losers in this football match, as long as everyone happily accepts that the match has nothing really to do with football.
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