Neil Humphreys: Rooney v Vardy – a Roo-dunnit with WAGatha Christie
As the fallout from Coleen Rooney and Rebekah Vardy's catfight continues, our columnist dreams of Wazza's super sleuth wife gathering the suspects together to unmask the villain…
Coleen Rooney: I have brought you all into the drawing room because I believe that one of you committed crimes against me. Excuse me, who are you?
Nicolas Otamendi: I'm a defender for Manchester City and Argentina, sort of. You said this was for anyone suspected of leaking.
Wayne Rooney: Not that kind of leaking. This is not for people who leak goals.
Coleen: Why are all those people getting up and leaving?
Wayne: That's Tottenham's back four.
Rebekah Vardy: So? Maybe they set up your silly online trap.
Wayne: They couldn't set up an offside trap.
Coleen: I set the trap, OK. My genius planted several fake stories, such as my house flooding and Wazza wearing a dead fox on his head.
Jamie Vardy: Isn't the last one true?
Wayne: No, it isn't! I pay a fortune for my hair to look like this.
Jamie Vardy: You should ask for your money back.
Coleen: Look, I don't appreciate these childish interruptions. This has been a burden in my life for a few years now and finally I have got to the bottom of it. It's … a hair weave.
Coleen: I thought we were talking about your hair?
Wayne: No, we're talking about the leaking of private stories to The Sun.
Coleen: Oh yeah. At first, I thought the leaker might be you, until I remembered my Instagram password needed a 10-letter word.
Wayne: Yeah, I tried. But it wouldn't let me use "WAZZAWAZZA".
Rebekah Vardy: And now you think it's me instead. I resent the allegation, just because I'm a WAG. What's your evidence, WAG-atha Christie?
Coleen: I blocked everyone else. You're the only one left with access to my fake stories. And those fake stories all ended up in The Sun.
Rebekah Vardy: Who are you, Nancy Drew? I'm heavily pregnant, you know.
Coleen: You only had to make a phone call. You didn't have to dig ditches.
Wayne: I did! I was in the garden for hours, after all that house flooding.
Coleen: No, darling, we talked about this. Remember? That was one of the fake stories I planted. The house wasn't really flooded, was it?
Wayne: Then why did you leave me digging in the dark then?
Coleen: Well, it was very late. You were red-faced and you had your little shovel. I thought you were a garden gnome.
Rebekah Vardy: Only an idiot would dig a huge hole for himself.
Ole Gunnar Solskjaer: Actually, I'm here, too.
Rebekah Vardy: All right. There are two idiots digging holes for themselves. Why are you here, Ole?
Solskjaer: I just wanted to thank you all for taking me off the back pages.
Boris Johnson: And I wanted to thank you for taking me off the front pages.
Solskjaer: Could you fix the leaks about Manchester United?
Johnson: Could you fix the leaks about Brexit?
Wayne: Could you fix the leaks at our house?
Coleen: For God's sake, Wazza, the story was fake! I made it up to catch the evil Mrs Vardy over there.
Rebekah Vardy: Hey, I'm heavily pregnant, you know.
Coleen: Really? You never said. Look, I put it to you that you hacked into the account of the world's most famous football couple.
Victoria Beckham: Good one, Coleen!
Coleen: All right, Posh Spice, take a chill pill. OK, well, as long as Wazza plays for DC United, we're still the most famous couple living in Washington.
Barack Obama: Er, have you met my wife, Michelle?
Coleen: No, I haven't. Was she a WAG at Euro 2016, too?
Obama: Look, guys. I don't wish to intrude. But don't you think there are more important global issues right now, like what Recep Tayyip Erdogan is up to?
Jamie Vardy: Don't patronise us. We know all about Erdogan. He's a decent little midfielder. Leicester might sign him in January.
Coleen: Right, that's enough. I've got other business to attend to. A Hillary Clinton keeps calling, something about private emails. So, Mrs Vardy, I find you guilty of hacking my Instagram account and selling my private stories to The Sun newspaper. Why?
Rebekah Vardy: Because The Sun offered more money than the Daily Mail.
Jamie Vardy: No! The lawyer told you to say the other thing.
Rebekah Vardy: Oh yeah. I'm heavily pregnant.
Coleen: That's your only defence? You're blaming everything, all your mistakes in the last few months, on being heavily pregnant.
Rebekah Vardy: That is correct.
Solskjaer: I wish I were heavily pregnant.