NEIL HUMPHREYS: Why Aguero’s a real hair-raiser
After a one-sided Manchester Derby, the world is asking just one question. What has Sergio Aguero done to his hair? Fortunately, our columnist happened to be sitting beside the Manchester City striker at the barbers and secretly recorded the following conversation
Sergio Aguero: Hello, can I have a dozen sausages please?
Hairdressers: This is a barber's shop, not a butcher's shop, Sergio. After eight seasons in England, you still can't tell the difference?
Aguero: Not really. My English is still not so good, which is probably why the butcher refused to cut my hair with his meat cleaver.
Hairdresser: OK, well take a seat. You want a light trim?
Aguero: No, I want silver.
Hairdresser: No problem, one shaved head coming up.
Aguero: What do you mean?
Hairdresser: You want a bald head, right? Like David Silva? Very aerodynamic.
Aguero: What's an aeroplane got to do with it? I don't want David Silva. I want silver, like a spoon. You give me a nice spoon.
Hairdresser: You want me to spoon you? Look, Sergio, you're a great striker and everything, but I don't think we should be spooning in a high street hairdressers.
Aguero: No, my hair, make it silver, like a spoon, like a trophy. I want to look like a giant trophy.
Hairdresser: You'll look like Jamie Lee Curtis.
Aguero: Is that the one with the funny hair surrounded by slow, lumbering monsters at Halloween?
Hairdresser: No, that's Marouane Fellaini.
Aguero: Is it? Oh well, never mind. How can I make my hair turn grey overnight?
Hairdresser: Well, you could think about Amnesty International accusing your club of trying to "sportswash" Abu Dhabi's public image.
Or you could think about those allegations that suggest City have spent a decade trying to get around Uefa's Financial Fair Play rules with inflated sponsorship deals and by reportedly setting up a secret shell company to pay image rights.
Aguero: Yeah. Or maybe just use peroxide?
Hairdresser: Fair enough.
Aguero: What are these Financial Fair Play rules anyway?
Hairdresser: Well, Sergio. Put it this way. Clubs can't spend too much more than they earn, OK? They have to balance the books. And City balance the books about as well as Raheem Sterling balances himself in the box.
Aguero: Ah, you mean try and cheat a little bit and let everyone else pay the penalty?
Hairdresser: Exactly. Now, what kind of cut were you thinking of?
Aguero: Twenty per cent. Oh sorry, I thought you were my agent discussing image rights. As for the hair, I want the Manchester United style.
Hairdresser: What's that?
Aguero: You know, plenty up top, but nothing at the back.
Hairdresser: Got it. And shall I shave a little hole for you to talk out of?
Augero: No, I don't want the Jose Mourinho style.
Hairdresser: Understood. By the way, Sergio, I have a strange request. Do you mind if I keep the hair I shave off around your ears?
Aguero: Of course not. Do you give celebrity hair to the less fortunate?
Hairdresser: Yes, Wayne Rooney.
Aguero: Ah, right. There's the upcoming friendly between England and the United States. Are you making a donation to the Wayne Rooney Foundation, too?
Hairdresser: No, just to Rooney. He comes here for his hair weaves.
Aguero: He's still getting his hair plugged? Does the man have no shame?
Hairdresser: He's coming back to play in a Mickey Mouse friendly for England, even though he retired more than a year ago and scored only one World Cup goal across three tournaments.
Aguero: Good point.
Hairdresser: Would you like me to dye your beard, Sergio? Otherwise the colours won't match.
Aguero: No, I'm going to be an affectionate tribute to the city of Manchester; permanently grey overheard and dark and scruffy everywhere else.
Hairdresser: Fantastic. Well, I'm just about finished, Sergio. Take a look in the mirror. What do you see?
Aguero: An old auntie back in Buenos Aires.
Hairdresser: Is that not what you wanted?
Aguero: No, she was my favourite auntie.
Hairdresser: Well, that's a relief. Look, I've got to ask, Sergio. Why did you want such an unusual hair colour?
Aguero: I asked the lads in the dressing room how to improve my sex life and they gave me the best advice ever. Get 50 shades of grey.
Get The New Paper on your phone with the free TNP app. Download from the Apple App Store or Google Play Store now
