Neil Humphreys: The World Cup Wacky Awards
With Russia 2018 having drawn to a close, NEIL HUMPHREYS picks his winners
It's time to reflect on the madness of the last few weeks. But enough on West Ham's spending frenzy in the transfer market, here are the Wacky Awards for the World Cup
The DC Justice League award for worst team performance:
Spain against Russia. Oh and Spain against Iran. And there was also Spain against Morocco. Basically, every game with Spain because every game followed the same pattern.
First, Spain passed among themselves. Second, we rubbed our eyes to check the football really was that dull.
Third, we realised the football really was that dull so we shoved chopsticks in our eyes to stay awake.
Fourth, Spain still passed. Ice ages passed and Spain lost on penalties because half their team had fallen into a deep coma.
The Last Kid Picked for the School Team award for being rubbish:
Panama. It could only be Panama. When they played England, the Panamanians moved with all the grace of C-3PO dancing to the Bee Gees.
They struggled with meeting new people for the first time, like their teammates.
Honestly, ocean-dwelling plankton enjoy closer relationships than the Panamanian defenders.
The Mr Bean Award for physical comedy:
Michy Batshuayi proved to be a real danger in the penalty box - to himself.
He celebrated Belgium's goal against England by smashing a ball goal-wards. He missed the target - from two metres. He hit the post - from two metres. So the rebound flew towards him - from two metres.
And smacked him in the face. A few strikers lost face at the World Cup. But only Batshuayi literally lost face.
The Donald Trump Award for fact-free 'expertise':
Those who still blame "VAR" for a poor refereeing performance.
It's like blaming contraception for a poor performance in bed.
The Fabien Barthez Award for Worst Outfield Goalkeeper:
Manuel Neuer.
In the final moments of Germany's clash against South Korea, every German surged forward in search of an equaliser.
Their keeper found himself on the left wing.
Neuer treated the ball in the way Elon Musk treats dignity.
He lost it. South Korea scored. Neuer was left with more egg on his face than a clumsy chicken.
The Elon Musk Award for Leadership:
Jorge Sampaoli. Indeed, the comparisons between Musk and the ex-Argentina coach are obvious.
One is perceived to be arrogant, ignorant and always boasting about his tools.
And the other is Elon Musk. The North American billionaire was told where he could shove his submarine plans during the recent Thai cave rescue.
And the South American coach was similarly told where he could shove his tactical plans as Argentina's World Cup caved in.
Sampaoli has since been sacked.
His stock is at rock bottom.
If he needs rescuing, he can always call upon Musk's submarine.
Neither of them work well under pressure.
The Charlie Sheen Award for Self-Destruction
Germany were all about the winning. They were born winners. And then the World Cup started and it turned out they were rubbish. Mesut Oezil played like he was injured before kick-off.
Sami Khedira played like he'd never ever seen a football in his life until kick-off.
The Mary Poppins Award for most important umbrella:
The one that kept Russian President Vladimir Putin dry as everyone else got drenched during the trophy presentation.
Had that umbrella not appeared, then the World Cup might have witnessed the quickest disappearance since Egypt lost their first two games.
The Die Hard Award for most scary screen villain:
Domagoj Vida didn't just look like a Die Hard villain. He was the Die Hard villain in the action classic.
The Croatia centre-back had the same weird blond mullet, shaved, pony-tail combo, suggesting he'd had his hair cut by a blindfolded toddler. He was tall, scary and shouldn't have been at the World Cup because he was killed at the end of Die Hard.
The Domagoj Vida Award for Worst Hairstyle:
Neymar. Obviously. Pastamania called. They want their recipe back.
The Vicente del Bosque Award for Best Retro-Looking Coach:
Russia's Stanislav Cherchesov. Obviously. The 1980s called. They want their moustache back.
The Gandhi Award for Most Humbling Human-Beings:
It's got to be the Japanese.
By the time of the Round-of-16 defeat, I was happy to see them go just to avoid another lecture on littering.
Watching Japan was like watching a Singapore Government clean-up campaign. We get it.
The Japanese fans seem to take trash bags everywhere. Good for them. But the players cleaning up their dressing room after losing to Belgium felt like a fetish too far.
Imagine if they'd won the World Cup? They'd still be sweeping the streets of Moscow now.
The Diego Maradona Award for Being Madder than, well, Maradona:
Yeah, it's still Maradona. He danced with a Nigerian stranger.
He screamed abuse. He gave cameras the middle finger. Critics called it a mental meltdown. Maradona called it a typical Wednesday afternoon.
When he's not at World Cups, Maradona likes to calm things down by going on a pub crawl with Keith Richards.
The Pen-Pineapple-Apple-Pen Award for Most Annoying Song:
Football's Coming… That's enough.
That song shall not be heard any more until Euro 2020. Anyone found guilty of singing the song must suffer a fate worse than death.
That's right. He's got to watch the Spain-Russia game again.
- Catch Neil Humphreys as he gives his satirical take on the English Premier League and football every Saturday, from 10am to noon, on Money FM 89.3.
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