Neil Humphreys: Worst time for a sex romp, Kyle Walker
Manchester City defender has pulled EPL pants down, too
Here's a unique question to ponder: Is there ever a right time for a famous footballer to invite over a couple of sex workers?
There are, it would seem, only degrees of wrongness.
Kyle Walker currently finds himself at the extreme end of wrongness. In fact, the spectrum of wrongness needs to be extended to accommodate the Manchester City defender and his insatiable libido.
He's on the far side of the moon right now, handing out cash among sex workers and wondering how much lower he can go to further sour the reputation of the English Premier League.
EPL footballers, club owners and administrators already find themselves bracketed with the kind of people who torture puppies and steal little kids' ice-creams as they bid to win the "Slowest and Poorest Response to Covid-19" title.
Walker's fellow members of the multi-millionaires club are currently debating, in good conscience, what percentage of their vast salaries can be shaved off to help the less fortunate in the pandemic.
So his decision to fork out around £2,200 (S$3,900) on a sex romp only enables rabid haters and allows this columnist to type out the always titillating "sex romp" in a sentence.
But, on this occasion, it's not about the money. It's about timing.
Walker had invited over strangers and then advised the mere mortals among us - the gullible folks that prop up the EPL's cash-drenched facade - to stay at home.
He called for social distancing and slept with sex workers, which is like a vegan calling for less meat consumption before gorging on a Whopper.
In effect, the England defender has broken his country's strict Covid-19 lockdown conditions and hinted at the exasperating hypocrisy within the game.
The paupers must stay in isolation and avoid mingling with strangers, following the advice of hallowed superstars. But those hallowed superstars are immune to the herd's restrictions and can therefore pay to sleep with strangers.
It's one law for the rich and furlough schemes for the poor.
Walker has since apologised and faces disciplinary action from his employers (any chance to trim the salary fat is welcome right now).
But the 29-year-old risks becoming an unwitting poster boy for a self-absorbed, cash-obsessed industry, seemingly determined to shatter any lingering goodwill during the crisis.
As the UK death toll mounts and unemployment escalates, Liverpool have inexplicably opted to furlough the club's non-playing staff and allow the tax-payer to bail the club out, which might save around £1 million.
The Reds' annual wage bill is around £310m and they paid £43m to agents alone last year. But still, they joined four other clubs in pulling out the begging bowls.
Footballers are currently debating the logistics of a possible salary cut, understandably concerned that their money may bail out parasitic club owners, rather than those most in need.
Having taken too long to postpone the season, the EPL then stalled on paying their non-playing staff, threw their footballers under the bus and then utilised the UK Government's stimulus package.
Even among dyed-in-the-wool zealots, patience is wearing thin.
The self-titled greatest league in the world essentially expects its multi-millionaire footballers to subsidise voracious billionaires - who are currently accepting handouts from the taxpayers.
The EPL circus has never looked more greedy, selfish and desperate, grasping for cash at a time when the world needs ventilators, not venal club owners.
So the last thing the vilified competition needs right now - literally, the last thing - is an England defender being very social, but not very distancing, with a couple of sex workers.
Walker isn't responsible for the circus, but his clownish behaviour only further fuels the belief that the Big Top is out of control and out of touch with the community, which isn't entirely fair.
Many footballers have already contributed to various healthcare causes, both publicly and privately, and a final, positive decision about salary redistribution is imminent. Jordan Henderson is spearheading the noble initiative.
But Walker didn't care. In the moment, he paid no attention to his country's quarantine rules. He put his needs before those of his community. He didn't care.
It's a familiar theme in recent weeks.
Whether it's the EPL delaying a fixture postponement, Liverpool not paying their staff or Walker hosting a sex party during a lockdown, the smell of elitist entitlement hangs in the air. And it stinks.