Ronaldo Hates Rafa, Right?
Transfer rumours bigger, madder than ever before
Cristiano Ronaldo is on his way back to Manchester United.
He's definitely going back to Old Trafford because a Spanish camera crew overheard the Real Madrid forward calling Rafael Benitez's training session "s***" earlier this week.
Considering Benitez was the Liverpool manager who signed both Robbie Keane and Peter Crouch, perhaps this shouldn't come as a complete surprise.
But Benitez wanted Real's players to hit the crossbar from distance. In other words, they had to miss the target, something that Keane and Crouch perfected at Liverpool.
Ronaldo was not amused, according to eyewitnesses. He stamped his feet, pointed at the goal and said that's where the ball is supposed to go.
Suddenly, Benitez realised where his tactics might have been going wrong in recent years. But Ronaldo called the training session "s***" and had a sulk in the corner. So he's obviously rejoining United.
No more evidence is required during the silly season, otherwise known as the transfer window, where facts are never allowed to get in the way of a fabricated story.
Ronaldo is going back to United because Benitez's training sessions are inept and he's a former Liverpool manager and his potbelly does make him look a bit like a Spanish waiter.
Benitez has hardly helped his cause by wandering around Real like little Charlie inside the chocolate factory, unable to quite believe that he's been handed a golden ticket by Florentino "the mad axeman" Perez.
It's a wonder Benitez doesn't ask his players for signed jerseys.
Ronaldo just cannot take the new manager seriously. He doesn't believe that Benitez should be left in charge at the Bernabeu.
There are some critics who believe Benitez shouldn't be left in charge of a blancmange.
So Ronaldo is off. He's a Red Devil in waiting. According to several newspapers, he's joining a new club because he swore in training.
There wouldn't be enough clubs in English football if Wayne Rooney joined a new one every time he swore in training.
But that's all it takes during the silly season of transfer rumours.
If Arsene Wenger smiles during a press conference in Singapore, he's signing Karim Benzema.
If Jose Mourinho is seen picking up a pebble on a training pitch in the US, he's picking up John Stones from Everton.
If Louis van Gaal opens his mouth, he's signing every upright player with two legs, which at least rules out Andy Carroll.
FANS NOT GULLIBLE
And if Brendan Rodgers blinks during an interview, he's going to spend £80 million ($170m) in the transfer market. Actually, the last one is true.
Apparently, a couple of British newspapers toyed with the idea of running a sensationalist story that the Liverpool manager had no intention of spending money like Kanye West in a jewellery store.
But they knew no one would believe it. Readers are gullible during the transfer window, but they're not that gullible.
Still, pages must be filled so the transfer rumours keep on coming.
David de Gea wants to go to Real. And Sergio Ramos is a weather masochist who wants to live in a town where it only stops raining when it's snowing, so he must be on his way to Manchester.
An Arsenal director has declared that there is £200m in the bank and then insisted that Wenger could potentially sign any player in world football other than Ronaldo and Lionel Messi.
The two players allegedly took the rejection pretty hard, once they had stopped laughing.
Besides, Ronaldo is already joining United because he swore on camera, he doesn't like playing for managers who look like waiters and he sees no value in trying to hit a crossbar from distance.
Red is also one of his two favourite colours and he likes to live in cities that begin with the letter "M".
No further proof is needed. Should the United deal fall through, however, he will obviously sign for West Ham instead.
They are always missing the target in training.