Santa's gifts for those naughty and nice
Our columnist looks at what present each EPL club received for Christmas
The big man with the ruddy cheeks - no, not Sam Allardyce - had been busy.
Yesterday being Christmas Day, Santa Claus gave out the following gifts to English Premier League clubs.
Arsenal: A sick note
Aaron Ramsey is bound to need one sooner or later.
Bournemouth: A pair of flippers
They'll help their outstanding manager Eddie Howe as he continues to walk on water.
Burnley: A toy submarine
No matter how well they do, no matter how many times they're played with, everyone still believes that they must go down.
Chelsea: A taxi for John Terry
The legendary skipper just isn't needed any more.
Crystal Palace: Sam Allardyce
The Eagles got their present early. Allardyce, who has never been relegated from the EPL, was named as their new boss before Christmas Eve.
Everton: Some parachutes
The Toffees' freefall down the table is getting worrying now.
Hull: Public interest
Excited match commentators are fond of saying: "This is why we watch the Premier League." They don't say this when Hull are playing.
Leicester City: More fixtures with Manchester City
For the Foxes, playing City is the gift that keeps on giving.
Liverpool: A bread knife
Boss Juergen Klopp needs one to scrape the butter off off-form goalkeeper Loris Karius' fingers.
Man City: A common cold in the penalty box
It would give City's goalkeepers like Claudio Bravo a chance to catch something.
Man United: A magnum of champagne
The Red Devils are partial to luxurious French brands that come out only for special occasions.
Middlesbrough: Old Man City DVDs
They're for Alvaro Negredo to remind him that he did actually play in the EPL before, just not very well.
Southampton: A padlock
Stick it on the dressing room door. Their best players keep escaping.
Sunderland: A fact sheet on Burton Albion
The Black Cats will be playing them next season.
Stoke: A stand-up comedian
The Stoke dressing room could use a few laughs. The last time manager Mark Hughes smiled, he had a tight perm hairstyle.
Swansea: A map
Bob Bradley really needs to be shown the way back to the US. Before Bradley arrived at Swansea, cynical folks said that Americans knew very little about the round ball game of "soccer". After Bradley arrived, they still said it.
Tottenham: A compass
Whenever Spurs host a European fixture at Wembley, they always seem to lose their way.
Watford: (See Hull)
If anyone thinks they would lose sleep if Watford were relegated, please raise their hands now… Exactly.
West Ham: A Home Alone DVD
The Hammers could use a few tips from a prepubescent Macaulay Culkin in the popular Christmas movie. Since they moved to the Olympic Stadium, they get into trouble every time they go home.
West Brom: A packet of tissues
Against all expectations, the Baggies are still in the top 10. If they climb any higher, they'll get nosebleeds.