Wacky Wednesday: And the winning EPL Santa is…
It's time to pick a Santa Claus for the annual English Premier League managers' party. Every EPL coach is in the running. Here's how the audition process went…
Gary Neville: I'd like to welcome all 20 managers for the Santa Claus auditions for the EPL Christmas party.
Jose Mourinho: Why are you involved?
Neville: I'm Gary Neville. I have an opinion on everything. Why are you involved?
Mourinho: I am Jose Mourinho. I am manager of Manchester United!
Neville: Check your voice messages.
Mourinho: I am Jose Mourinho. I am … s***! … I am available to play Santa Claus.
Neville: Because he also gets the sack in December?
Mourinho: Exactly. Ho, ho ho!
Neville: Is that your Santa impression?
Mourinho: No, I've just seen the size of my payout. I'll be the richest Santa ever!
Claudio Ranieri: Er, I think you're missing the point.
Mourinho: No, that's what you do at Fulham.
Ranieri: That's funny coming from you, Jose. I watched your 3-1 defeat by Liverpool, best Christmas comedy since Love Actually. Look, I'm the perfect choice for our Santa. I gave the EPL the greatest gift of all time.
Juergen Klopp: Dilly ding, dilly dong?
Ranieri: No, when I won the title with Leicester City! And it's one more title than you've won, Klopp.
Klopp: But my Liverpool players work in red. Santa works in red.
Unai Emery: We also work in red at Arsenal.
Klopp: Yes, Unai, but you look like Count Dracula. You might scare the kids. You've terrorised a little one at Arsenal.
Emery: You shouldn't call Mesut Oezil a little one.
Manuel Pellegrini: Anyone can throw on a red uniform. But I actually have Santa's flowing white locks. I actually look like Santa.
Chris Hughton: You look like a retired porn star. No one has had curly hair that big since David Hasselhoff in Knight Rider.
Eddie Howe: What's Knight Rider?
Hughton: That was a TV show from the 1980s, before you were born.
Howe: Hey, I'm one of the most experienced managers at Bournemouth. I could be Santa.
Hughton: Yes, but you still look 12 years old.
Howe: Well, you can't be Santa either, Chris. It wouldn't look right.
Hughton: Oh, I get it, because I'm black?
Howe: No, because you're at Brighton. Santa Claus should come from the top half of the table.
Maurizio Sarri: I agree. I should be Santa. I gave you all the greatest gift of 2018. My Chelsea beat Manchester City for you.
Pep Guardiola: But Santa isn't allowed smoke breaks.
Sarri: What? Not even a sneaky cigarette between kids?
Guardiola: Nope. Clearly, I am the one true Santa. I'm charismatic and I make every dream come true.
Mauricio Pochettino: You're also bald.
Guardiola: Don't be a baldist!
Pochettino: I'm not, but Santa isn't bald. He can't look like Vin Diesel.
Neil Warnock: Hey, I've heard of Vin Diesel. Is he any good? Eastern European lads do a good job for me at Cardiff.
Pochettino: Look, you can't have a bald Pep, you can't have a bald Rafa Benitez and, no, Warnock, you can't have Vin Diesel. You've got to have me.
Nuno Espirito Santo: Why?
Pochettino: Santa produces gifts for no money. I do the same at Tottenham.
Santo: No, listen, Santa is almost Santo. That's me. He must be Portuguese. Every Watford footballer must be Portuguese. Everyone in the world must be Portuguese!
Marco Silva: Absolutely. Santa should be Portuguese and handsome, like me.
Sam Allardyce: No chance. We must have a British Santa. Too many foreign Santas are taking Santa jobs away from qualified British Santas.
Silva: Why are you here, Big Sam? I took your job at Everton.
Allardyce: I just turn up to spout xenophobic nonsense about foreigners taking too many British jobs. If I had a foreign name like Sam Santa, I'd be Santa Claus at Real Madrid. We need a top British Santa. Like me.
Roy Hodgson: But you don't hold an EPL position. I do. I'm manager of Crystal Palace and I'm British. David Wagner isn't. Ralph Hasenhuettl isn't. And that's every EPL coach covered for this Wacky Wednesday column.
Sean Dyche: Er, you forgot me. I'm coach at Burnley. And I'm also English.
Hodgson: I didn't forget you, Sean. It's just that, well, how can I put this? There's never been a ginger Santa.
Dyche: So our Santa can't be ginger, bald or foreign. He's got to be British, red-faced and capable of drinking sherry at every house he visits?
Neville: Yep, I'm calling Sir Alex Ferguson now.
Guardiola: But can he pull off a Christmas miracle?
Neville: He pulled off the miracle of all miracles. He made Phil Jones look good.
Everyone: SIR ALEX IS OUR SANTA!
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