When Mahrez met Rooney

They face Manchester United at Old Trafford, where Wayne Rooney is starting to look like a decent, midfielder, which he has never achieved before. They are both trying to make history. Imagine what might happen if they approached each other for advice…

Rooney: Congratulations, Riyad, you've finally joined an exclusive club.

Mahrez: I'm not joining Manchester United. I'm ambitious.

Rooney: Did Real Madrid come in with a better offer?

Mahrez: No, Leicester City did. They offered me a big incentive to stay.

Rooney: I know. You're guaranteed to play Champions League football.

Football

Man City two wins away from title

Mar 13, 2018

Mahrez: No, I'm guaranteed not to play under Louis van Gaal.

Rooney: Fair enough. But I was talking about our exclusive club, the winners of the PFA Players' Player of the Year award.

Mahrez: You've won it as well? I had no idea. I haven't checked the winners before I was born.

Rooney: Oi! I only won the award in 2010.

Mahrez: Wow, that's amazing. Aren't you, like, 50 or something?

Rooney: Very funny. I came here to talk to you about something. I need advice.Mahrez: That's so strange. I need advice from you. It's a personal matter.

Rooney: Are you losing your hair, too?... OK, there's this place in Harley Street. It's called Hair Today, Back Tomorrow. If I give them a call, I'm sure I can …

Mahrez: No, no, it's not that. It's tonight's game at Old Trafford.Rooney: I know, I know, it's the Theatre of Dreams, the most intimidating place to come on Earth… Why are you laughing?

Mahrez: No, I was just, er, clearing my throat. But Leicester City could win our first ever title at Old Trafford tonight. It's like a man on the street suddenly winning an Oscar for a freak performance.

Rooney: They're giving Jamie Vardy an Oscar for his dive?

Mahrez: No. It was a bad dive though. I blame our manager. He's been giving us inspirational movies to watch, films like Rocky, Any Given Sunday and Bull Durham. With hindsight, he shouldn't have given Vardy a DVD of Billy Elliot.

Rooney: Yeah, there is a lot of jumping and diving in Billy Elliot.

Mahrez: On the plus side, Jamie is now taking ballet lessons.

Rooney: That's all we need in the England camp. A striker who pirouettes and falls over whenever he's near the penalty box.

Mahrez: Yeah, you guys did that already at the World Cup.

Rooney: Why did you want to see me again?

Mahrez: Oh yeah. What is it like to win a title at Old Trafford? How do you handle the pressure, the global spotlight, knowing that every football camera in the world is beaming down on you?

Rooney: The first thing you do is make sure you've covered all your bald spots.

Mahrez: I'm serious.Rooney: So am I. The second thing is to focus on winning. Think about something, anything, that makes you feel strong, confident and unbeatable.

Mahrez: Manchester United's back four?

Rooney: There's no need for the sarcasm. I'm only here because I need your advice as well.

Mahrez: Come on, I'm listening. What do you want?

Rooney: I wanna be like you.

Mahrez: Have you been watching The Jungle Book?

Rooney: No, I want to be like you on the football field.

Mahrez: Play for a title-challenging team?

Rooney: No for heaven's sake, I want to play in midfield … Why are you giggling? … I mean it. From now on, I'm going to be like Paul Scholes.

Mahrez: A 41-year-old guy who used to be a recluse and now can't stop talking on TV?

Rooney: No, the old Paul Scholes, a ball-playing midfielder, pulling the strings. I've done it a few times recently and the boss thinks I've got a future in that role.

Mahrez: The same boss who thought that Angel di Maria didn't have a future?

Rooney: You saying I can't make it midfield?

Mahrez: I just think there are other football roles that suit you better.

Rooney: Like what?

Mahrez: TV pundit?

Rooney: Right, I'm outta here. Good luck winning the title tonight at a place with loud, passionate supporters who sing from first minute 'til last.

Mahrez: No, we're playing at the King Power Stadium next week.