Raheem, don't be a fool like Theo

WACKO NEILO

Raheem Sterling wants to play up front for Liverpool. Theo Walcott still thinks he can play up front for Arsenal and England.

They believe they can do a job there.

I believe I can do a job as a masseur at the Playboy Mansion, but that doesn't mean Hugh Hefner's calling any time soon.

What is it with wingers and their delusional insistence that they are really strikers in disguise?

It was certainly a brilliant disguise put on by Walcott for England against Italy. He didn't look like a coordinated striker. At times, he didn't look like a coordinated human being.

There's a great scene in The Wolf on Wall Street where Leonardo DiCaprio's character takes too many pills and loses control of his limbs.

That was Walcott anywhere near the penalty box for England.

And yet the Arsenal winger will line up opposite Liverpool's Sterling tonight with both men believing that they really are centre forwards, in that endearing way a child believes he really is one of The Avengers.

No one wants to disappoint the child, so he gets a patronising pat on the head and some milk and cookies before bed.

Or, in the case, of Sterling, he gets a contract offer worth £100,000 ($202,000) a week.

But it's not about the money for the 20-year-old, who obviously gives his current £35,000-a-week salary to a number of charitable causes, including a rescue shelter for blind bats.

Roy Hodgson is staying there at the moment.

Sterling went on TV this week to claim his contract stalling wasn't about the cash. After all, a figure in the region of £100,000 a week should just about cover his child maintenance payments.

He's "not a money-grabbing 20-year-old", he insisted, while sitting on a gold throne and feeding the log fire with £50 notes.

He's serving only his football ambitions, which include playing up front. He wants to follow in Walcott's footsteps.

So he's looking at lots of giggling from rival supporters when he breaks free in the penalty box and displays all the subtlety of Phua Chu Kang's wardrobe.

On YouTube, there are clips of zoo visitors falling into a tiger's enclosure and showing greater composure than Walcott in the final third.

And yet, Sterling wants to take a similar path. He's got better odds falling in a tiger's enclosure.

What is it with wingers and their striking dreams? Thierry Henry, David Beckham, Walcott and Sterling have all coveted the man in the middle's role and only Henry succeeded.

These guys dribble round the goalkeeper a couple of times and turn into that drunken uncle who tells one joke at the family wedding and believes he's destined for a lucrative career in stand-up comedy.

Other sports people do not do this. Serena Williams doesn't catch a couple of tennis balls and convince herself she has the makings of a cricketer.

She'd get nowhere near the England cricket team. She's overqualified. She can hit round objects when they come in her general direction.

And cyclist Bradley Wiggins doesn't splash around with his kids on holiday and then put his name down for the British Olympic swimming team.

Those sideburns would slow him down for a start.

Someone would surely intervene at some point and say: "Bradley, we admire the enthusiasm, son, but the race finished an hour ago and the pool attendant wants to turn the lights out."

But the all-knowing, all-powerful modern footballer is indulged. Managers encourage their daft dreams.

"Of course, you can play up front, Theo," Hodgson says. "If you're not a centre forward, then Phil Jones isn't a midfielder, right Phil? Phil? Why are you crying, Phil?"

At Arsenal, Arsene Wenger has mostly put Walcott's striking nonsense to bed, in the way a parent will only pander to a child for so long before saying: "Look, you are not the Hulk. I am not painting you green. Now go back to work, you're 26 years old."

So it's up to Brendan Rodgers to do the same with Sterling. Fortunately, the Liverpool manager has a tremendous track record with handling temperamental geniuses.

So Reds fans can be absolutely certain that Sterling will still be running along the flanks next season.

He'll just be playing for another club.