When Arsene meets Manuel
ARSENAL v MAN CITY
(Tonight, 7.45pm, SingTel mio TV Ch 102 & StarHub TV Ch 227)
On the eve of their big match, Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger and his Manchester City counterpart Manuel Pellegrini sat down to discuss the match, the recent transfer window and Pep Guardiola being bald. Here's what they allegedly said…
Wenger: So, Manuel, are you nervous? We gave your boys one hell of a beating in the Community Shield.
Pellegrini: Please. I thought the Community Shield was a TV cop show.
Wenger: Still, we are an ever better team now. We brought in Danny Welbeck, you sent out Alvaro Negredo.
Pellegrini: I had no choice. It was all about the money.
Wenger: Uefa's Financial Fair Play regulations?
Pellegrini: No, I had a bet with Jose Mourinho that I could still win the title with three strikers.
Wenger: Why do you give so much face to Mourinho? No one takes him seriously anymore. Just this week, he said that Pep Guardiola obviously didn't enjoy his football because he was bald.
Pellegrini: He's right. Look at me. I got hair like Harry Styles.
Wenger: Manuel, you've got hair like a 70s porn star. All that's missing is the moustache. Now, can we get back to the game?
Pellegrini: Sure. You want to talk strategy? Here's how this one will play out. Everyone will say we're weaker and you're stronger in the attacking department. Everyone will look at our squads and your 3-0 win in that TV cop show friendly and say that you have the edge. And then, as always, your boys will face off against a title contender and make a mess of their underwear in the tunnel.
Wenger: I'll admit we were mentally fragile in the past. But I've fixed that. I've brought in Alexis Sanchez, a tough competitor. I've got Welbeck. He's already a title winner.
Pellegrini: Calling Welbeck a title winner is a bit like calling One Direction award-winning song-writers. Someone else did the work for them.
Wenger: You're obsessed with One Direction, you know.
Pellegrini: It's the hair. Now, have you got any injury concerns?
Wenger: Well, there's Aaron Ramsey…
Pellegrini: No, I meant real injury concerns, to real players. Ramsey is always injured. You know me and the other managers always assume he's not playing, right? We plan our team sheets without him. He's a bit like Daniel Day Lewis. One minute, he's everywhere and everyone's going crazy about his talent. And then he disappears.
Wenger: I'm not accepting that at all. That's a vicious slur. Daniel Day Lewis only performs once every few years.
Pellegrini: Yeah, and Ramsey makes him look prolific. We see more of Halley's Comet than we do your boy.
Wenger: You won't be mocking my men after this game. I've got World Cup winners in my line-up. I've got Per Mertesacker and Mesut Oezil.
Pellegrini: Mesut Oezil is back already? I thought he had stayed on in Brazil after the World Cup. Wenger: I've already picked him in three games this season.
Pellegrini: I've watched all of Arsenal's games. I haven't seen him.
Wenger: I'll admit he has drifted a bit. He hasn't quite got involved as much as I would've liked.
Pellegrini: If he was any more invisible, he could be cast in the next Fantastic Four movie.
Wenger: Mock all you want, but we've got England's main man up front now. We've got Welbeck.
Pellegrini: He has scored nine league goals since the start of last season. We're shaking in our boots.
Wenger: That's not fair. He was playing with a slight handicap last season.
Pellegrini: What was that?
Wenger: David Moyes.
Pellegrini: Fair enough. You're certainly an improvement on his previous employer.
Wenger: Ronald McDonald would be an improvement on his previous employer. Still, you've got problems, too. I saw City's defeat against Stoke. You let Mame Biram Diouf run 60 metres before scoring the winner. And what's up with Joe Hart? He's like a dog.
Pellegrini: What do you mean?
Wenger: Whenever he's near a post, he pees himself.
Pellegrini: Yeah, he did concede a soft goal at his near post. We were tired against Stoke. Some of our internationals are still recovering after the World Cup.
Wenger: That's hardly an excuse for Hart. There were suntans that outlasted England in Brazil.
Pellegrini: Everyone's allowed the odd mistake. You should know. You bought Yaya Sanogo.
Wenger: He will deliver the goods for us. You watch. We are going to be direct, inventive, hungry, creative, dominant and in total control.
Pellegrini: Ah, so you're dropping Oezil then?
Wenger: Look, if I wanted someone to take cheap shots, I'd call a comedian.
Pellegrini: That's where you and I differ, Arsene. If I wanted to watch someone take cheap shots, I'd sign Sanogo.