Dummies' EPL guide for Pedro
Our writer dishes out timely advice to the new Chelsea forward, in case he gets a culture shock
West Brom have won three of their last four home matches against Chelsea. The Baggies were 3-0 winners in the corresponding fixture last season. However, Chelsea had already been crowned champions then.
Swopping the heady heights of the Nou Camp for a soggy Sunday at West Brom can't be easy.
Chelsea's new signing Pedro Rodriguez has gone from Barcelona to tonight's trip to the Baggies, which is like swopping fine dining for a chimp's tea party.
So, to help the Spaniard acclimatise, here's a dummies guide to life in the English Premier League.
Take your coat off
First things first, Pedro, remove the coat. And while you're at it, take off the hat and gloves.
Stop asking your new Chelsea teammates when summer starts in England. This is summer. It ends next week. Soon, it'll be winter again.
The sun is unlikely to reappear until the day of the FA Cup final.
Strange, pasty-white beings will then strip off and dance beneath its rays in a surreal ritualistic ceremony. These are called British people.
Mind the gaps in logic
Remember how the cerebral Pep Guardiola groomed you, Pedro?
Do you recall how thoughtful and reflective both he and Luis Enrique were in interviews. Well, forget all that.
Have you seen the new movie Fantastic Four? Of course not, no one has. But there's a character called The Human Torch, who can turn into a raging ball of a flame.
Jose Mourinho does that whenever his doctors run on the pitch.
He will make more embarrassing appearances at press conferences than Donald Trump's hair.
He will make more mistakes than a three-fingered barber. Never antagonise him.
And never call club doctor Eva Carneiro onto the pitch.
There are many languages spoken in the dressing room, but the English players know only one.
So brush up on your English, Pedro, and help one or two of the other lads improve theirs. Maybe start with John Terry.
Be ready to meet new faces
At Barcelona, you mixed with Lionel Messi, Neymar and Luis Suarez, arguably the greatest attack in the club's illustrious history.
At West Brom tonight, you'll face Rickie Lambert.
Do not be alarmed.
In fact, he once played for Liverpool. No, not when they were good. He's not 50. Yes, he may play like he's 50.
Yes, he may have the first touch of a serial killer.
But the Baggies are not renowned for their one-touch football.
Tony Pulis' sides favour a two-touch game.
Occasionally, they even touch the ball.
Bring your bench cushion
You won't need it. But Radamel Falcao is already complaining about the splinters.
No one will like you
Do take a moment, Pedro, to recall the good old days at Barcelona, when the champions were universally respected for their ideals, principles and sportsmanship.
They were revered for bringing the beauty back to a cynical game. Yeah... it's not like that Chelsea.
Mourinho is on a one-man mission to make the Premier League champions less popular than a flatulent man in a trapped lift.
He picks fights with officials, pundits, club doctors, journalists and, worst of all, Arsene Wenger.
In English football, picking a fight with the sainted Wenger is akin to taking a swing at Elmo from Sesame Street. He's a teddy bear and your new manager hates him. So a lot of neutrals really dislike Chelsea.
And that's before a ball is even kicked, which is even worse because...
Beware unidentified parked objects
They're called buses. You've only seen them in the car park at the Nou Camp. They stay on the pitch at Stamford Bridge.
Unfortunately for you, Pedro, you were indoctrinated at Barcelona, taught to play from the back, maintain possession and keep the game pretty and pure.
At Chelsea, expect to hear things like, "Hang on for 1-0... Retreat... Pull back... Get more bodies behind the ball... Take it to the corner flag and keep it there for a week... I hate Wenger... I don't care how bad your groin strain is, Eva Carneiro is not coming back."
No room for WAGs
You recently married your beautiful partner, Carolina Martin (below, left), in a lavish ceremony.
Just to be on the safe side, Pedro, avoid the players' lounge.